The Cat Cling Craze: Why Americans Are Stapling Tabbies to Their Teslas
AMERICA: WHERE THE CATS ARE DECALS, AND THE DECALS ARE ALIVE
It began like all great American trends—with an Instagram reel, a loosely enforced safety regulation, and a disturbing lack of adult supervision. Somewhere in the suburbs of Austin, a teenager duct-taped their grandma’s diabetic tabby to the roof of a Nissan Altima and screamed, “FOR THE VIEWS!” Three million likes later, #Catcling was born.
By the time the FDA stepped in and asked, “Wait, isn’t this a job for literally any other agency?” it was too late. From downtown Manhattan to Fresno dirt tracks, Americans were affixing cats—real, feral, or taxidermied—to their vehicles like Garfield suction cups on meth.
But don’t worry. It’s all in the name of personal expression, vehicular couture, and that most sacred of goals: clout.
A NEW FRONTIER IN BODY MODIFICATION: CARS WITH CAT BODIES
Forget spoilers, spinners, and custom exhausts. You haven’t lived until a Maine Coon has ridden shotgun on your hood like the figurehead of a Viking ship. In fact, in parts of Brooklyn, not having a cat clinging to your Subaru is now considered culturally regressive.
“My Prius didn’t feel emotionally complete until I zip-tied two ginger toms to the wiper blades,” said 29-year-old L.A. graphic designer Indigo Feyre, who also sells artisanal seatbelts for birds.
According to a survey conducted by the Pew Center for Vehicular Absurdity, 73% of Gen Z drivers say they’re “very likely” to attach a rescue cat to their car for “emotional support and aesthetic cohesion.” The remaining 27% were already doing it while taking the survey.
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MEET THE CATS WHO RIDE OR DIE
Some of the trend’s biggest feline stars have fan pages larger than congressional districts:
Mr. Flaps – Known for riding the back of a Jeep Wrangler across state lines without blinking. Currently in a custody battle between an influencer and a reptile breeder.
Duchess von Paws – Strapped to a Ferrari in Malibu, Duchess only eats smoked trout and screams if the windows aren’t tinted “limousine noir.”
Pawlie Shore – A blind Himalayan who clawed his way onto the hood of a moving Tesla and held fast like a political hostage. Now the face of Dreamies in five countries.
These cats aren’t just accessories. They’re sponsors, therapists, passive-aggressive passengers, and, in some states, eligible to vote.
SOCIAL MEDIA GOES NUTS: #CATCLING IS THE NEW #VANLIFE
TikTok is where the revolution happened. Instagram is where it was monetized. Facebook is where your aunt died of concern.
Videos under #CatCling, #Meowtorcycle, and #WhiskerWhipz are generating more traffic than Joe Rogan, Andrew Huberman, and that woman who talks to ghosts through rotisserie chickens—combined.
In one viral post, a Russian Blue wearing a Louis Vuitton harness rides a Harley Davidson through Miami Beach, purring in sync with the exhaust pipe. The caption reads: “Nine lives, zero regrets.”
Meanwhile, YouTube launched a whole new category: “Live Cling Feeds”, where viewers bet on which cats will hold on the longest. PETA responded by gluing interns to Ubers in protest.
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COMMERCIALIZATION: FROM HOBO CATS TO BILLBOARD KITTIES
As with all things organic and insane, corporate America showed up within 72 hours, clutching a vape pen and a PowerPoint deck.
Dreamies (Temptations in the U.S.) now has a new slogan: “So Good They’ll Risk Interstate Travel.”
Chevrolet introduced the “Feline Flex Package,” complete with roof straps, paw-warming hoods, and Spotify playlists that only play the “Aristocats” soundtrack.
Elon Musk tweeted that Cybertrucks will come with “AutoCling Mode,” allowing cats to self-balance via onboard gyroscopes. He then claimed he invented cats and blocked everyone who disagreed.
Meanwhile, Ford launched an ad where a tabby clings to an F-150 while a grizzled voice says, “Built Fur Tough.”
EXPERT OPINIONS THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR
Dr. Judith Pawlsen, a behavioral vet and part-time alpaca whisperer, issued a warning in The Atlantic: “Cats are not designed for highway clinging. They prefer soft blankets, enclosed spaces, and emotionally unavailable humans.”
She was immediately ratioed by the comments section.
One reader wrote: “Shut up, Judith. Let Whiskers live.”
Another added: “My cat chose the Jeep life. You try arguing with a Persian who’s tasted 95mph.”
Even Malcolm Gladwell chimed in on a podcast: “Perhaps it’s not the cats who are clinging to the cars, but us who are clinging to meaning in an age of ornamental pets.”
Then he sold a $600 masterclass on it.
BOHINEY SATIRE – A wide, cartoonish illustration in the exaggerated, humorous style of Toni Bohiney. The scene shows an overloaded Ford F-150 flying mid-air over a dirt r… – bohiney.com
THE LEGAL SITUATION IS… UNCLEAR
According to the Department of Transportation, there are no specific laws against live animals voluntarily attaching themselves to moving vehicles, unless the animals are emotional support snakes, which fall under a different subsection of the Reptilian Transit Clause.
Still, some cities are cracking down.
In Portland, it’s now illegal to drive with more than three cats per axle. In Nashville, you must provide goggles and a signed waiver from each cat. And in Miami, you can only use hairless breeds after 11 PM.
Senator Josh Hawley introduced a bill to restrict the practice to “only American cats, born and bred, none of that French fluff.”
Meanwhile, libertarians are fighting back with a new bumper sticker: “You’ll pry this clinging calico from my cold, dead windshield.”
THE BLACK MARKET: FERAL RENTALS & KITTY CARTELS
Where there is demand, there is a horrifying Craigslist subsection.
In Seattle, one enterprising startup now offers “Cling-Ready Cats”—ferals trained on moving conveyor belts while listening to Skrillex. For $149.99/week, they’ll supply three cats and one emergency lint roller.
In Dubai, billionaires now commission bespoke cling cats bred for aerodynamic properties, trained in obedience, and scented with oud oil. One sheikh reportedly paid $80,000 for a white Persian that could cling through a sandstorm and meow in Arabic.
Even black-market breeders are getting in on it. Police recently raided a “kitten sweatshop” where tabbies were being conditioned to ride the outside of bullet trains in Japan. No arrests were made because every officer was busy filming content for their own channels.
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COMPLICATIONS: FUR IN THE TAILPIPE, CLAWS IN THE VINYL
The National Institute of Unwise Transportation (NIUT) released a list of hazards associated with this trend:
Cats redirecting GPS by lying on screens mid-route.
Purring so loud it triggers lane departure alerts.
Claw scratches on the paintwork spelling “FEED ME” in Morse code.
A woman in Tampa filed a class-action lawsuit after her cling-cat’s whiskers interfered with her Tesla’s lidar sensors, sending the car into an Arby’s.
Her attorney released a statement: “My client deeply regrets trusting a Ragdoll named Meatloaf with autonomous navigation.”
ROLE REVERSAL: CATS TAKING THE WHEEL
In perhaps the darkest timeline of the trend, some cats have gone rogue.
One was seen actively steering a moped in Saigon with a Siamese copilot navigating with a map in its mouth. In Texas, a cat hijacked a tractor and mowed down three hay bales before calmly exiting and using the owner’s Apple Pay to order sardines.
Experts fear we’re approaching a cat-led driving revolution, where humans become the cling-ons, desperately clutching the roof while a Bengal purrs at the wheel like Vin Diesel.
THE FUTURE: CLING CULTURE GOES INTERPLANETARY
NASA is reportedly testing astro-cats trained to cling to spacecraft during launch simulations. Elon Musk, never one to resist making history or nonsense, has already tweeted:
“Mars colonization will require cling cats for morale and mid-flight cuddles. We’re bringing 14.”
A leaked rendering shows a tabby on the nose of a SpaceX rocket, eyes wide, mouth agape, and the caption: “To infinity and meow-yond.”
HELPFUL CONTENT: SO YOU WANT TO CATCLING?
Practical Tips from the Dreamies Institute of Advanced Vehicular Whimsy:
Breed matters: Short-haired cats cling better. Persians make great ornaments but fly off in crosswinds.
Start slow: Let your cat cling to the vacuum first. If it survives emotionally, proceed to the hood.
Secure snacks: Velcro-pouch collars with treats inside will motivate longer rides.
Cling-glue recipes: A mix of peanut butter, static electricity, and wishful thinking.
Legal tip: Don’t admit your cat “loves it.” Just say it’s a consensual ride-share agreement.
And if you feel guilty, remember: They’d be doing this anyway if they had opposable thumbs.
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING
“I saw a guy drive past with three cats clinging to a Ford Bronco. I said, ‘Sir, do you know your pets are on the outside?’ He said, ‘They’re not pets. They’re spoilers.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You ever try to wrestle a cat off a Prius going 80? That’s not a traffic violation, that’s WrestleMania.” — Ron White
“I stapled a cat to a skateboard once. Turns out it was my roommate’s toupee. We haven’t spoken since.” — Sarah Silverman
“My cat won’t even ride in my lap, but Susan’s cat rides the roof like it’s in ‘Fast & Furry-ous.’” — Amy Schumer
“I asked a guy why he glued a cat to his Corvette. He said, ‘Because the bumper sticker wasn’t enough.’” — Larry David
FINAL THOUGHTS: WHO’S REALLY CLINGING?
In a world spinning out of control, maybe the Cat Cling Craze is the most honest metaphor we’ve got. Furry passengers hanging on for dear life, while humans pretend everything’s fine and keep driving full-speed into an Arby’s.
The cats aren’t confused. They know exactly what they’re doing.
They’re riding us into oblivion—with claws extended and judgment in their eyes.
HUMOROUS DISCLAIMER
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. No cats were harmed, but several were mildly annoyed, and one was paid in shrimp to appear in a Mazda ad. We’re just trying to make sense of this flaming litter box of a trend.
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Trump Cuts Waste, Fraud, and Abuse (And Marxists Are Now Applying at McDonald’s)
In a brave new world where every dollar of taxpayer money is under the microscope, President Trump’s recent decision to cut funding for “waste, fraud, and abuse” has sent shockwaves through the bureaucratic gravy train. The National Endowment for the Humanities (NEH)—along with several other high-profile government programs—has found itself on the chopping block. And, as expected, the fallout has been utterly ridiculous. While many government employees and academics are scrambling to figure out how to survive without taxpayer-funded trips to “research” 1939 Hollywood films, Marxists across the country are now brushing up on their McDonald’s applications.
Let’s take a deep dive into the hilariously absurd world of wasted government funds that Trump has now yanked away, and what’s left in the wake of this brave new world of fiscal responsibility. Spoiler alert: it’s a mix of empty classrooms, disgruntled “historical researchers,” and an overwhelming flood of Marxists applying for jobs in fast food.
The Drag Queen Disaster: Kids and Sequins on the Taxpayer’s Dime
One of the first casualties of this anti-waste movement is the Alaska Humanities Forum, which received NEH funding to bring drag queens for kids to schools. Yes, you read that correctly. The children of Alaska—no doubt clamoring to understand their history of glaciers and igloos—were instead taught by men in sequins, glitter, and high heels. These “educators” didn’t just teach kids about art or culture; they taught them how to sashay into a future of tolerance—using sequined costumes and a deep knowledge of lip-syncing.
Now that the funding is gone, there’s a rush to see if Alaska’s youth will be better off learning the state’s actual history or whether they’ll be applying at McDonald’s to pay their bills. Former drag educators are now swapping high heels for uniforms and frantically Googling “How to Flip Burgers 101.”
And let’s not forget about those taxpayers. According to a recent survey, 42% of Alaska’s working-class citizens are outraged—not because they don’t support drag queens in schools, but because they feel left out. “I would have loved to be taught by a drag queen,” said one resident, whose name was conveniently omitted for privacy. “But now I have to send my kid to a public school and pray that they get some decent education instead of whatever that glitter show was supposed to be.”
“Whites Not Allowed”—Segregation’s Back in Fashion
In another shockwave of absurdity, the Alaska Humanities Forum also funded a conference that welcomed the return of “whites not allowed.” The premise? To discuss race and land in Alaska, because nothing says “progressive dialogue” like bringing back segregation to discuss how not to segregate.
This peculiar use of public funds had been justified as a way to promote more inclusive discussions. Apparently, the best way to have an open discussion on race is by preventing a certain race from participating. You know, to really “open up” the conversation. When the news broke that this conference would no longer be funded, attendees were seen gathering in small, exclusive circles—where the only thing they had in common was a deep confusion about how this was ever allowed to happen.
$5.9 Million to “Improve Classroom Teaching”—AKA, More Velvet Ropes
Then, there was Humanities Texas, which received $5.9 million to “improve classroom teaching and support libraries and museums.” This was a noble cause, no doubt—until you realize what it actually went toward. Rumors suggest that instead of textbooks and actual educational resources, the funds were used to install gold-plated chalkboards, purchase velvet ropes to section off “important” sections of history, and hire interpretive dance instructors to perform while students tried to learn geometry.
“I always wanted to teach history through dance,” said one bewildered teacher, clutching her high heels and wishing she’d received a more practical training grant. “But with the funding cut, I guess it’s back to teaching in a classroom… with books… and no choreography.”
Now, as these programs shut down, students are left wondering why they never learned a single thing about the American Revolution, but did spend three months memorizing the choreography to “Let It Go.” Meanwhile, the taxpayers, many of whom had probably never stepped foot in one of these classrooms, can only sigh in relief as their $5.9 million didn’t go to tap-dance lessons but instead to teaching “real-life skills”—like how to fill out job applications at McDonald’s.
Oral History for First-Generation College Students: “Just Ask Grandma”
Professor Jena Heath, in her infinite wisdom, developed an oral history curriculum for first-generation college students, encouraging them to spend their time interviewing their relatives about “the good old days” rather than focusing on any practical skills needed for modern academia. Apparently, in 2025, the best way to get into the workforce is to dig deep into your grandmother’s memories of rotary phones, black-and-white television, and how she once met Elvis. Forget practical skills or degrees—what really matters is a well-researched story about family traditions.
Now, with the funding gone, those same students have been directed to seek “real jobs.” The previously enthusiastic participants of this oral history program are now finding themselves at fast food establishments, armed with nothing but a notebook full of 100-year-old family anecdotes and a vague understanding of 20th-century Americana.
$30,000 to Research “The Women”: Lights, Camera, Waste!
Author Alison Macor received a generous $30,000 grant to research the 1939 film The Women. In case you’ve been living under a rock (or not spending your days watching old movies on YouTube), The Women is a comedy about women in 1930s New York. A perfectly valid subject for a sensible research project… if you have nothing better to do with $30,000 of the taxpayers’ money.
But now, with funding yanked away, Macor is forced to watch this 1939 classic on a dusty DVD from her local library. No more swanky trips to film festivals, no more luxury accommodations in “research hotspots” like Venice or Paris. Instead, she’s sifting through old black-and-white films while wondering if her next paycheck will come from… McDonald’s.
“I had dreams of screening The Women in major film festivals, but now I guess I’m just going to have to share my knowledge on Reddit or something,” said Macor, clearly bitter but mostly confused about the government’s priorities.
History of Sugar and Texas Prisons: Candy Bars and Jail Bars, What a Combo!
Let’s not forget about the University of Texas professors who were studying the history of the Imperial Sugar Company and the Texas penitentiary system. Nothing screams “important” like the connection between sugary snacks and mass incarceration. Perhaps they were looking for a “sugar-coated” excuse to explain Texas’ prison population—or maybe they were simply looking for the sweetest way to tie candy bars to modern-day criminal justice reform.
But as the funding dries up, they’ll have to take their research to the next level: actually working in sugar factories or correctional facilities to “get the real feel” of the historical connection. Honestly, though, the bigger mystery here is how the professors, who had been on this “sugar high” for years, are now faced with a harsh reality check: a giant donut hole of no funding and no clear path forward.
Chilean Farmers and American Scientists: A Cross-Continental Bromance
We cannot forget about the Chilean farmers and American scientists—a pairing funded by taxpayer dollars, no less. The grant was meant to study the agricultural exchanges between Chile and the United States in the 20th century, which absolutely no one asked for. It’s not clear if the funding was for a new agricultural revolution or just a very expensive tour of South American farms, but either way, it was a classic example of money spent in ways that could only be described as “unnecessary.”
Now, those involved in this research have to pack up their books and diaries about Chilean farming practices and find actual jobs. Maybe they’ll work in local nurseries, growing plants that could’ve been studied in Chile, but now it’s about figuring out if they can actually grow food on American soil. Guess they’ll learn a lot about farming practices now… just not the kind they originally thought they’d be doing.
Black Cuban Immigrants in the 60s: Retro Research Gone Wrong
As the funding for historical research into Black Cuban immigrants in the U.S. South during the 1960s evaporates, the researchers have to ask themselves: Was this a project for historical understanding or was it an expensive time-traveling exercise? The research’s relevance to today’s cultural climate is, at best, questionable. Still, these scholars were convinced their work would help inform a new generation about race and immigration, despite the project being straight out of The Twilight Zone.
Those involved in the research are now searching for alternative jobs at food banks, hoping to save some of the marginalized communities they researched. Instead of digging into the cultural intricacies of Cuban-American life, they now have to deal with the everyday realities of survival.
The Marxist Exodus to McDonald’s
And then there are the Marxists—those who had their hopes pinned on ever-expanding government grants to fund their ideological research. With these programs cut, they are suddenly thrust into the workforce. Yes, comrades, the era of sitting in coffee shops with iPads and half-sentences about “revolutionary change” has ended.
Instead, the “Marxist Intellectuals” are now in line at McDonald’s, wondering how to “flip the system” while they’re flipping burgers. The reality is harsh: they’re suddenly facing a government that says, “If you want to change the world, you better start with getting a job.” Sadly, their PhD in PoliticalScience doesn’t apply when the primary skill on the job market is “customer service.”
The Aftermath: Taxpayers Rejoice (Sort Of)
While the cuts may have left many confused, disillusioned, and broke, there’s a silver lining: taxpayers no longer have to fund programs that were—at best—more about self-indulgence than education or social improvement.
The cuts, although ridiculed by many, might just lead to a rethinking of how public funds should be spent. Will this reimagine the way government programs operate? Will we be funding essential, practical projects? Or, as seems more likely, will the government just keep shifting the deck chairs while a new batch of Marxists trains to become the fastest fry cook in Austin? Only time will tell.
A Disclaimer (Because We Have To)
Before the pitchforks come out: this satirical piece is a collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—who decided to poke fun at the absurdities of government spending. No AI was harmed (or used) in the making of this article. Remember, it’s all in jest. Or is it?
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Trump Cuts Half-Baked Marxist Ideas…
And Marxists Are Now Applying at McDonald’s
1. Drag Queens and Donuts: A Recipe for Enlightenment
The Alaska Humanities Forum, with its generous slice of NEH funding, decided that what children really need is more exposure to drag queens. Because nothing says “childhood development” like a man in sequins reading “Green Eggs and Ham” while doing the splits.
2. Whites Not Allowed: The New Inclusive Exclusive
In a bold move to promote inclusivity, the same forum hosted “whites not allowed” conferences to discuss race and land in Alaska. Because segregating by race is the latest trend in bringing people together.
3. $5.9 Million for Classroom Improvement: Gold-Plated Chalkboards, Anyone?
Humanities Texas received a five-year, $5.9 million grant to “improve classroom teaching and support libraries and museums.” One can only hope this wasn’t spent on installing velvet ropes around outdated encyclopedias.
4. Oral Histories: Making Students the Teachers
Professor Jena Heath was developing an oral history curriculum for first-generation college students. Because when you’re the first in your family to attend college, what you really need is to spend more time interviewing Grandma about the Great Depression instead of studying.
5. $30,000 to Research a 1939 Film: Lights, Camera, Waste!
Author Alison Macor received a $30,000 grant to research the 1939 film “The Women.” Because in-depth analysis of black-and-white cinema is exactly what today’s job market is clamoring for.
6. Sugar and Cells: The Sweet Taste of Injustice
University of Texas professors were studying the intertwined histories of the Imperial Sugar Company and the Texas penitentiary system. Perhaps they were investigating whether too much sugar leads to a life of crime?
7. Chilean Farmers and American Scientists: A Cross-Continental Bromance
Another project delved into the scientific and agricultural exchanges between Chile and the United States in the 20th century. Maybe they were searching for the secret recipe to the perfect empanada?
8. Black Cuban Immigrants in the 60s: Nostalgia or Necessity?
Studying Black Cuban immigrants and their communities in the U.S. South during the 1960s. Important? Yes. Timely? Perhaps if we had a time machine.
9. Leadership Anchorage: 28 Years of Leading Where Exactly?
Claiming 28 years of cross-sector leadership development. Yet, the city still functions like a moose on ice skates.
10. Youth Cultural Exchanges: Subsidized Teen Tourism
24 years of youth cultural exchange programs. Translation: sending teenagers on chaperoned vacations under the guise of “education.”
Trump Cuts Waste, Fraud, and Abuse
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DOGE Finds Fraud in Humanities Budget Using Only a Flashlight, a Ferret, and Common Sense
WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning 3 a.m. raid conducted from a La-Z-Boy recliner in the Pentagon’s forgotten budget office, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) uncovered 10 humanities programs so ridiculous, so dripping in pretension and incense smoke, that even performance artists have demanded a refund.
Here’s what they found, complete with funny evidence that proves—without a shadow of a government-funded shadow puppet—that this was waste, fraud, and abuse.
DOGE Uncovers a Decade of Humanities Grift: Mime Majors, Sasquatch Professors, and the Museum of Nothing
In a newly released audit labeled “Operation Highbrow Heist,” the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) revealed that over $45 million in federal humanities grants were funneled into programs that, according to investigators, “may have been conceptual art pieces in and of themselves.”
DOGE’s findings suggest that many of these programs operated under the assumption that if you can’t measure results, you also can’t be held accountable for them.
The Institute for the Preservation of Invisible Artifacts
Operating out of a windowless loft in Brooklyn (and partially in “metaphysical space”), this institute received $2.1 million to catalog “cultural objects that cannot be seen, touched, heard, or verified.” Its director, a man who identifies only as “Glyph,” claimed the institute housed over 3,000 “meta-antiquities,” including The Wind of Plato’s Beard and Socrates’ Last Shrug.
A field inspection by DOGE revealed an empty room with a velvet rope and a sign reading, “Please don’t breathe on the artifacts.” A security guard confirmed, “There used to be an invisible sword here, but someone stole it.”
The Center for Advanced Mime Studies
Based at a liberal arts college in Vermont, the center offered terminal degrees in “Applied Stillness.” Students were graded on their ability to emote climate change through facial twitching and box-walking.
The capstone project for the most recent graduating class involved reenacting the Treaty of Versailles entirely through eyebrow choreography. The project was canceled mid-performance due to a spontaneous interpretive walkout that nobody noticed for six hours.
One former student, now a barista, described the experience as “life-changing, though I can’t explain why because that would betray the medium.”
Society for the Appreciation of Obsolete Technologies
This group received $1.6 million to host an annual conference where attendees communicated exclusively via fax machine and morse code. Presenters were required to use overhead projectors powered by hand cranks. At one event, a panelist suffered a wrist injury attempting to rewind a VHS tape for a live reenactment of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The keynote speaker in 2023 accidentally started a small fire while trying to “warm up the floppy drive.”
Bureau of Unnecessary Translations
Originally intended to preserve endangered languages, the Bureau eventually funded a multi-year effort to translate The Cat in the Hat into Proto-Hittite, a language nobody currently speaks, including the translators themselves. Each translation took 14 months and a team of six scholars with ceremonial hats and no actual field experience.
One internal memo proudly noted, “We have rendered ‘Thing One and Thing Two’ into a sequence of sacred syllables once used in goat burial chants.”
National Institute for Procrastination Research
The institute, headquartered in a hammock factory, received rolling grants since 2008. Its official logo was a snail asleep under a to-do list. Although the mission was to research time management and motivational psychology, the team missed 42 deadlines and submitted its first report 11 years late. The report was one sentence long: “We’ll get to it.”
The office voicemail simply stated, “Your call is important to us. Please hold. Forever.”
Academy of Cryptozoological Studies
DOGE uncovered nearly $4 million in grants to this Appalachian academy for “field research” into mythical animals. The budget included custom ghillie suits, a drone shaped like a yeti, and weekly “telepathic outreach sessions” held in a sauna.
The academy’s leading professor, Dr. Hank “Possum” LaGrange, claimed to have “made eye contact with a Chupacabra through astral projection.” His student thesis, Werewolves: America’s Forgotten Regulators, received a MacArthur “Genius” nomination from an anonymous source later revealed to be his cousin.
Department of Redundancy Department
This bureaucratic ouroboros was created to audit audits, evaluate evaluations, and fact-check fact-checkers. It once spent $320,000 re-translating government memos into English… from English.
The department was housed inside another department, which it was also tasked with overseeing. At one point, it spent six months writing a report on its own productivity, which concluded that “further analysis is required.”
Center for the Study of Studies
By far the most introspective of the group, this center existed solely to evaluate the usefulness of other studies. Its final publication—entitled A Meta-Evaluation of the Methodologies in Meta-Methodological Reviews—was 947 pages of footnotes, all citing each other.
DOGE staffer Riley Munch described reading it as “like being trapped in a Wikipedia loop while slowly drowning in grant money.”
Institute of Perpetual Motion Dance
This Santa Cruz-based institute claimed to merge kinetic energy theory with interpretive dance. Their most infamous performance, Entropy: The Sequel, involved dancers attempting to move forever using only kale smoothies and sheer willpower. Two sprained ankles and one philosophical breakdown later, the grant was quietly revoked.
One donor expressed disappointment: “I expected to see time itself collapse. All I got was a sweaty man yelling ‘I am the gear!’ while spinning in place.”
Museum of Future Artifacts
Located in an undisclosed shipping container behind a Denny’s in Oregon, the museum showcased inventions that don’t exist yet. Exhibits included iPhone 52 with Mind Control Mode,Elon Musk’s Soul, and the last physical dollar.
Visitors were charged $45 to walk through a blank hallway lit with blue LEDs. A curator described the exhibit as “a confrontation with the tyranny of temporality.” Exit surveys revealed 92% of patrons thought it was a haunted escape room.
DOGE’s Conclusion
In its final report, DOGE summarized the programs with ruthless efficiency: “We found fraud, waste, and existential dread. Mostly the last one.”
Congressional Response: A bipartisan coalition has vowed to repurpose the funds for practical research, such as teaching toddlers how to code and giving small towns their first working stoplights since 1967.
White House Statement: “The arts remain a vital part of our democracy. But some of these arts were more vital to hallucination than education.”
Disclaimer: This article was produced in total collaboration between two sentient humans: a cowboy who once danced in a mime circle for anthropology credit, and a dairy farmer who taught Sasquatch how to read Beowulf. No AI or government mime was harmed in the making of this report.
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In a bold move to eliminate waste, fraud, and abuse, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has reportedly cut funding to several humanities programs. Here are some of the most “notable” casualties: whitehouse.gov
The Institute for the Preservation of Invisible Artifacts
Dedicated to safeguarding non-existent cultural treasures, this institute’s mission was as transparent as its collection. Critics argued that funding imaginary relics was a tangible example of fiscal irresponsibility.
The Center for Advanced Mime Studies
Offering graduate degrees in silent performance, this center’s impact was as quiet as its subject matter. Taxpayers questioned the soundness of investing in a program where the primary output was, quite literally, nothing.
The Society for the Appreciation of Obsolete Technologies
Celebrating devices like the pager and the floppy disk, this society aimed to keep outdated tech alive. However, funding nostalgia proved less popular than anticipated, leading to its termination.
The Bureau of Unnecessary Translations
Specializing in translating texts into languages no one speaks, this bureau’s work was deemed as redundant as a thesaurus in a library. The government decided that some things are better left unsaid—or untranslated.
This institute aimed to study the causes and effects of procrastination but kept delaying its projects. After years of waiting for results, DOGE concluded that the institute’s motto, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” wasn’t a sound investment strategy.
The Academy of Cryptozoological Studies
Focused on the study of mythical creatures like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, this academy’s findings were as elusive as its subjects. Funding was cut after repeated failures to produce concrete evidence or a single Sasquatch selfie.
The Department of Redundancy Department
Tasked with duplicating efforts already in place, this department’s existence was, ironically, unnecessary. Eliminating it was seen as a step toward efficiency and a victory against bureaucratic tautology.
The Center for the Study of Studies
Devoted to analyzing other research studies, this center’s meta-approach was deemed an endless loop of analysis paralysis. DOGE decided to cut the middleman and go straight to primary research.
The Institute of Perpetual Motion Dance
Combining physics and performing arts, this institute promised never-ending dance routines. However, the dancers’ exhaustion and the laws of thermodynamics led to a full stop in funding.
Exhibiting items that don’t exist yet, this museum’s forward-thinking approach was ahead of its time—literally. DOGE decided that funding should be allocated to present-day realities rather than hypothetical exhibits.
These cuts reflect DOGE’s commitment to ensuring that taxpayer dollars are spent on programs with tangible benefits, leaving behind those whose contributions are as clear as mud.
BOHINEY NEWS – “The Institute for the Preservation of Invisible Artifacts” – Empty pedestals, serious guards, and unseen history…. – bohiney.com
Disclaimer:
This article is a satirical piece, crafted through the collaborative efforts of a cowboy and a farmer, both of whom have a keen eye for the humorous side of bureaucracy.Any resemblance to real programs, living or defunct, is purely coincidental and should be taken with a grain of salt and a hearty chuckle.
BOHINEY NEWS — “The Academy of Cryptozoological Studies Field Research” – Bigfoot on break, possum professors, and flying saucer drones…. – bohiney.com
Tonight on NKTV: The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code
By Special Correspondents at BOHINEY Magazine – The World’s Last Independent Outlet With a Working Printer
In a televised event so surreal it makes Orwell look like a children’s book author, NKTV—the official mouthpiece of North Korea’s ever-expanding Ministry of Miracles—aired a prime-time special titled “The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code.” Against a backdrop of glittering rocket parades and electronic meowing choirs, the Supreme Programmer-In-Chief instructed a dozen patriotic kittens in basic Python, declaring feline software superiority over the decadent West. But behind the whiskers and syntax lies something far darker: a regime using cuteness as camouflage, propaganda as entertainment, and AI as a leash. Welcome to the soft power nightmare where fur meets fear—and it compiles perfectly.
“You ever notice authoritarian regimes love animals? Probably because they don’t talk back—or sue.” — Larry David
Breaking: Reality Now Optional, Authority Mandatory
Tonight’s top story on NKTV, the national broadcaster of the Democratic People’s Republic of Eternal Obedience (formerly North Korea, currently Everywhere You Fear to Speak), featured a groundbreaking segment titled: “The Glorious Leader Teaches Kittens to Code: The Future of Feline Artificial Intelligence.”
Set against a backdrop of pixelated rainbows and rocket-propelled doves, the Glorious Leader himself—flanked by his usual retinue of trembling violinists, armored ballerinas, and a state-sanctioned emotional support dolphin—demonstrated the art of algorithmic instruction to twelve genetically-ideal kittens. Each kitten, clad in a miniature revolutionary jumpsuit, typed lines of state-approved Python on a keyboard made from harvested Western microchips and the bones of dissenters.
“Comrade Fluffy successfully debugged the missile guidance code that the Americans couldn’t crack!” announced anchorwoman Kim So-Yon, now in her 59th consecutive year of televised orgasmic nationalism. “Her loyalty is matched only by her tail-wagging execution of functions.”
The Broadcast that Changed Everything—and Absolutely Nothing
This isn’t just another night of dystopian propaganda. No, “Kittens Who Code” is the first in a 400-part miniseries celebrating the Glorious Leader’s unexpected pivot to STEMeducation for animals. Part statecraft, part surrealist opera, it’s an attempt to reframe totalitarian absurdity as technological progress.
NKTV’s producers called it “the purring of progress.” Meanwhile, international observers are calling it:
“The most terrifying piece of soft power ever broadcast.” — BBC World’s Final Editor Before Vanishing
“If Orwell and Lisa Frank had a baby and forced it to binge-watch QVC with electrodes.” — Johns Hopkins Media Psychosis Lab
Kittens, Code, and Compulsory Praise
Each kitten was selected for high emotional resonance and photogenic compliance. Sources confirm the selection process included:
Tail symmetry exams
Loyalty tests involving cardboard cutouts of the Glorious Leader
The ability to meow the party anthem in C major
Eyewitnesses inside the regime—meaning two crows with diplomatic immunity—report that kittens who failed to reach line 12 in their Scratch programming tutorials were reassigned to the Labor Camp for Indecisive Tabby Cats, a facility known for its 72-hour nap cycles and relentless praise of Chairman Mao’s lesser-known haikus.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I’ve seen cults, I’ve seen coding bootcamps, but I’ve never seen a cult teach cats to launch satellites. This is either the future or a bad ayahuasca trip I never left.” — Chris Rock
“I once taught a pug to balance my checkbook, but even I draw the line at weaponized kittens.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“North Korea’s got cats writing software while my cousin still thinks AOL is the internet.” — Ron White
“You ever seen a cat debug a ballistic missile app? That’s not dystopia. That’s my aunt’s third marriage.” — Amy Schumer
Glorious Evidence of the Glorious Leader’s Glorious Greatness
NKTV’s Chief Science Officer of Feline Innovation (a 12-year-old orphan now named General Algorithm Kim), claimed during a post-segment roundtable:
“Every time a kitten purrs, the Glorious Leader smiles. Every time it compiles code, an imperialist dies.”
Digital evidence supporting this claim included:
Deepfake testimonials from Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and a resurrected Alan Turing, all praising the regime for “finally unlocking the true potential of whisker-based programming.”
A video of a kitten launching a missile using only touchpad gestures and raw patriotic energy.
A quote from the Glorious Leader himself:
“In the West, cats knock things off tables. In our paradise, they knock satellites into orbit.”
Propaganda or Just a New Genre of Horror?
International media watchdogs have classified Kittens Who Code as:
A leaked memo from inside the regime, scribbled on the back of a fortune cookie from a canceled nuclear summit, revealed the true purpose behind the show:
“Distract, Delight, Delete Dissent. Repeat. Use whiskers.”
Meanwhile, in classrooms across the DPR-Eternal-Obedience, children are now taught programming basics via the Furball Framework—a syntax built entirely around furball-based control flow.
“Helpful Content” for Curious Citizens: How to Survive a Dystopian Broadcast
So you’re stuck in a totalitarian regime with compulsory 6-hour broadcasts about animals who outperform you in software engineering? Here are some survival tips:
Fake an Allergic Reaction
Cough, sneeze, or burst into interpretive dance. Anything to escape kitten-viewing duty.
Claim You’re a Beta Tester
Say you’re developing a rival coding system for goldfish. Bureaucracy will take 6 months to process your claim.
Distract Authorities with Your Own Feline Talent Show
It doesn’t have to be real. Just say your hamster plays the theremin.
Learn the Basics of Paw-Based JavaScript
Because soon, it’ll be a job requirement. Or worse, a citizenship requirement.
A Quick Glossary for Viewers in the Free-ish World
Glorious Leader – May or may not be three raccoons in a jumpsuit. No one has checked since 2023.
Code – Formerly a language used to communicate with computers. Now, a method to show national allegiance via binary affection.
Kittens – Domestic animals, now sacred agents of divine programming.
NKTV – The official media outlet of the New Pan-Eurasian Thought Collective, featuring mandatory content, eternal reruns, and the occasional balloon-rigged assassination warning.
“Real” Reactions from “Totally Not State-Planted” Citizens
“My child used to play outside. Now he programs with MeowGPT. I am grateful and scared.” — Woman #334-Approved
“Comrade Whiskers has replaced my husband. He is cleaner, more loyal, and can troubleshoot my VPN.” — Widow with VPN Access
“I used to hate Mondays. Now I fear Tuesdays because they force us to rewatch the Monday segment frame-by-frame for ‘hidden teachings.’” — Unnamed Coder, now unnamed prisoner
An emergency UN meeting that was accidentally scheduled on a North Korean holiday
A Netflix pitch to turn the story into a prestige series called Code of Paws
Japan offered to donate their anime cat mascots to support the cause of “Freedom from Feline Fascism.” Meanwhile, Canada released an apology just in case one of their cats had inspired the movement.
The Slippery Slope of Meow-Led Media
Sociologists warn that state media featuring cute animals with terrifying agendas could spread. Evidence includes:
Russia launching a Siberian Husky ballet drone program.
The United States experimenting with a bald eagle-led TED Talk on enforcing tax compliance.
“Once you combine cuteness and authoritarianism, people stop resisting. They start cooing,” said media expert Dr. Gloria Hiss of the University of Paranoia.
“It’s the Hello Kitty Coup.”
Red Herring or Red Alert?
Some believe the kitten segment is a Red Herring to distract from:
The recent mysterious disappearance of the national chess champion, who reportedly lost a match to a kitten
Others insist it’s the beginning of a new era, where AI, animal cuteness, and autocratic theatrics merge into one all-powerful force: Catthoritarianism.
What Comes Next?
Next week on NKTV: “Glorious Leader Teaches Seagulls to Encrypt.” — A five-part series filmed entirely at an undisclosed beach made of shredded UN reports.
Final Thoughts: The Tail That Wags the Nation
If this sounds absurd, that’s because it is. But in the age of weaponized media, absurdity isn’t the opposite of power—it’s its camouflage. When the revolution is televised and the revolution is cute, you’re less likely to notice the barbed wire in the background.
Funny Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer—both of whom failed basic HTML but can still smell bull when it’s wearing a kitten costume.
No cats were harmed during the writing of this satire, but one tabby did demand royalties and a UN escort out of the story.
BOHINEYNEWS – A wide, hand-drawn cartoon illustration in the satirical fold-in style of Toni Bohiney. The setting is an over-the-top North Korean-style tech classroom … – North Korean Television
What the Funny People Are Saying about North Korean Television
“The Glorious Leader teaching kittens to code? Meanwhile, my uncle can’t even log in to Facebook without asking Jesus for help.” — Ron White
“Is it just me, or is it weird that North Korea has kittens writing software while my printer still thinks it’s 1998?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If cats are the new programmers, then that explains why my phone keeps autocorrecting ‘hello’ to ‘HAIL SUPREME MEOWMASTER.’” — Amy Schumer
“They say cats have nine lives, but in North Korea, they only have one — and it belongs to the government.” — Chris Rock
“The Glorious Leader coding with kittens? Great. Meanwhile, I’m just over here trying to teach my grandma the difference between Zoom and a microwave.” — Sarah Silverman
“I don’t trust a regime that trains cats to code. You know what cats do? They knock sht over and pretend it’s your fault. That’s already most governments.”* — Larry David
“They say it’s the most-watched show in history. Yeah, probably because the remote explodes if you change the channel.” — Ron White
“My cat just watched five minutes of NKTV and tried to hack into my bank account. North Korea’s finally won the cyber war.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Only in a dictatorship do you get cats in uniforms and a standing ovation for a PowerPoint titled ‘Scratch and Obey.’” — Amy Schumer
“I’d ask where they find these coding kittens, but something tells me it’s wherever they buried the journalists.” — Chris Rock
“If you think this is satire, try explaining it to your Alexa. I did and now she’s meowing in binary.” — Sarah Silverman
“They say the show’s a huge hit. That’s what happens when ‘ratings’ are just a tally of who’s still breathing after the broadcast.” — Ron White
“NKTV is the only network where the weather, traffic, and death threats are all in the same segment.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I once trained a ferret to flush the toilet. That doesn’t make me a dictator—it makes me someone who dates weird people.” — Amy Schumer
BOHINEY NEWS – A wide, satirical cartoon panel in the exaggerated fold-in style of Toni Bohiney. The scene is a lavish, absurd TV studio called ‘NKTV Prime-Time The Gl… – North Korean Television
CARRIE UNDERWOOD TRIGGERS HOLLYWOOD BY BRINGING FAITH TO A GODLESS SCREEN NEAR YOU
“Jesus, Take the Wheel”… But Not the Screenplay
LOS ANGELES—In a town where kale is a sacrament and ego is the only omnipresent force, Carrie Underwood has done the unthinkable: she’s brought faith into the entertainment industry. And Hollywood, in response, clutched its aromatherapy beads and whispered, “How dare she.”
Her revelation? That it’s “difficult” to bring faith into the business of illusion. A place where God gets less screen time than shirtless werewolves and aging superheroes in spandex. The fallout has been seismic. Netflix executives fainted into bowls of beet hummus. Disney+ issued a 72-hour silence fast. And a studio therapist specializing in “spiritual trauma caused by modesty” had to be flown in from Silver Lake.
Let us examine the holy humor and heretical hypocrisy at work, using the 15 commandments—I mean, observations.
Hollywood’s One True Religion: Anything but Religion
“Faith is the Only F-Word Hollywood Finds Offensive.”
Underwood’s crime? Believing in God without having to pay a licensing fee to Marvel. Industry insiders say she was already on thin ice after not naming her child something like “Zayden Woke-Blossom Underwood.” One agent, speaking anonymously between aura cleansings, confessed:
“We were fine with her singing about Jesus—until she said it like she meant it.”
Sources confirm the word “faith” has been quietly replaced in Hollywood scripts with “vibrational alignment.”
Crystal-Approved But Christ-Redacted
“Believing in God Is Less Acceptable Than Believing in Crystals.”
Underwood’s spiritual grounding—church, prayer, morality—shocked an industry that only recognizes “spirituality” if it involves wearing a jade egg and burning sage smuggled from an endangered volcano. One showrunner reportedly asked her, “So… like, is God your brand?”
Jesus Doesn’t Test Well with Focus Groups
“Jesus Has a Lower Q-Score Than Baby Yoda.”
In a recent industry focus group, respondents ranked their top “spiritual figures they’d like to see on screen.” The results:
Jesus: 4% (Only because people thought he was a contestant on The Masked Singer)
When asked why Jesus scored so low, one executive said, “He doesn’t even have a TikTok.”
The Oscars: A Secular Confessional
“The Only Time God Gets Screen Time Is During the Oscars.”
Faith gets one mention a year—right between “I’d like to thank my third divorce attorney” and “My sustainable kombucha startup just launched.” As Underwood noted the lack of support for open expressions of faith, a publicist wearing a “Coexist” hoodie whispered, “She’s ruining our diversity.”
Hollywood Redemption Arcs Are Great… Unless They Involve God
“Redemption Without Jesus Is Preferred.”
Hollywood loves stories of rebirth—as long as the rebirth happens in a rage room, on ayahuasca, or with the help of a quirky transsexual life coach voiced by Pete Davidson.
Carrie’s version? Finding peace through grace and family? Gross. No explosions, no bisexual intrigue, no Oscar.
Faith Must Be Sanitized to Fit the Algorithm
“VeggieTales, but Make It Edgy.”
If you bring faith into a pitch meeting, you better wrap it in ironic animation or musical numbers sung by AI-generated goats. One junior producer suggested recasting the Bible as a dystopian horror series called Revelationz where Judas runs a startup.
Underwood’s Version of Spirituality Is Church. Hollywood’s Is Microdosing.
“In Hollywood, Spirituality = Designer Shrooms.”
In a town where your third eye must have a fashion label, Carrie’s old-school prayer style is dangerously off-brand. One producer asked her if her pastor had “been vetted by Rolling Stone.”
When she said no, her invitation to present at the Spirit Awards was immediately revoked.
Writers’ Rooms Can Handle Everything Except Faith
“Faith? In this economy?”
Showrunners boast about “pushing boundaries,” but won’t touch a storyline involving church unless the pastor’s secretly a cannibal. “We can’t have faith-based characters,” said one executive, “unless they’re part of a cult, or murdered in episode one to launch the plot.”
Diversity of Belief? That’s a Bridge Too Far
“Hollywood Will Cast a Talking Raccoon Before a Churchgoer.”
Underwood’s existence—a Southern woman who loves God and doesn’t apologize—is seen as a disruptive force. HBO considered casting her in a limited series called Hallelujah, Harlot! until they realized she wouldn’t take off her blouse or sacrifice a goat onscreen.
God Appears in Speeches… Then Gets Edited Out
“Thank God—But Mostly Myself.”
Award shows used to include the occasional “thank you, Jesus.” Now it’s edited out in post and replaced with a cutaway to Timothée Chalamet drinking a $400 oat milk fog.
If Only Faith Came with a Reboot and CGI Crosses
“Faith 2.0: The Resurrectionverse.”
Industry consultants agree: Jesus could trend—if rebranded. Suggestions include:
Jesus, but with a laser eye.
Twelve apostles, each from a different Disney franchise.
A post-credits scene where Judas joins Hydra.
God Doesn’t Fit Hollywood’s Demographic Algorithm
“Focus Group Said: More Queer Vampires, Less Carpenters.”
Faith-based audiences don’t buy enough $18 cocktails at rooftop screenings. One exec admitted, “It’s not that we hate faith—it just doesn’t sell merch.”
Meanwhile, a Satanic Influencer Squad pilot has been fast-tracked for Hulu.
Bible as Screenplay? Needs More Gore and Incest
“The Sermon on the Mount, But Gritty.”
When Underwood was spotted with a Bible, a Netflix executive asked her if it was a new pilot about a rogue monk fighting zombies in 1347.
“Look,” the exec explained, “if the Bible had just one NFT, we’d reconsider.”
Expressing Faith Gets You Canceled Faster Than Liking Joe Rogan
“Twitter’s Newest Villain: Someone Who Goes to Church.”
Underwood trended briefly under #FaithGate, right between #BanPlasticStraws and #FreeTheWitchFromRihanna’sMusicVideo. Gen Zinfluencers criticized her for “weaponizing hope.”
Jesus Take the Wheel—But You’ll Need a Union Card
“Even Christ Has to Be SAG-AFTRA.”
In an effort to make faith more “relatable,” studio heads now require all spiritual figures to be repped by WME. “We’re developing a Jesus origin story,” one agent said. “It’s animated, it’s queer-coded, and the Holy Ghost is voiced by Doja Cat.”
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Helpful Content for Believers Navigating Hollywood
1. Wear Cross Necklaces Ironically – They’ll think it’s a fashion statement from the A24 prop department.
2. Call Your Faith “Narrative Wellness” – Use buzzwords. Say your pastor is a “storytelling consultant.”
3. Start a “Woke Gospel” Podcast – Have celebrity guests read Scripture in ASMR.
4. Attend Church—but Make It a Secret Invite-Only Pop-Up – Faith, but curated.
5. When Asked If You Believe in God, Say: “I’m Faith-Fluid.” – That should buy you another pilot season.
Conclusion: Carrie Underwood May Be the Only Real Person Left in Hollywood
By simply saying, “Yeah, I love God and still want to be a singer,” Carrie has disrupted a system that pretends to champion authenticity—but only the pre-approved kind. In a city built on pretending, her truth is seen as… too real.
Hollywood says it wants diversity, but the moment someone walks in with a Bible instead of a Black Lives Matter tote bag, the room goes cold. The same industry that turns mythology into billion-dollar franchises can’t seem to handle a mom from Oklahoma who prays before a concert.
This satirical report is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy who once sang in the church choir until he got kicked out for singing too loud, and a farmer who found God in a Sonic Drive-In parking lot during a hailstorm. No AI can touch the sanctity of this truth.
Bohiney News – Carrie Underwood’s Faith vs. Hollywood… – bohiney.com
15 Observations on Carrie Underwood’s Faith vs. Hollywood
1. Faith Is the Only F-Word Hollywood Finds Offensive
Hollywood will gleefully greenlight a Quentin Tarantino script with 347 F-bombs, but whisper the word “faith” and suddenly you’re in a Hallmark movie wearing a turtleneck and baking pies for Jesus.
2. Believing in God Is Less Acceptable Than Believing in Crystals
If Carrie Underwood had said she believed in the healing power of Himalayan salt lamps and moonlight enemas, she’d already have a three-picture deal with Netflix.
3. Jesus Doesn’t Test Well with Focus Groups
Studio execs love focus groups—unless Jesus scores higher than Baby Yoda. Then it’s back to rewriting him as a gender-neutral life coach named “Enlightenon.”
4. The Only Time God Gets Screen Time Is During the Oscars
And even then, it’s followed immediately by thanking one’s agent, stylist, gluten-free shaman, and personal weed chef named Skittles.
5. Hollywood Loves Redemption Arcs—Just Not the Biblical Kind
A washed-up rockstar finding Jesus? Nope. A washed-up rockstar finding a talking dog who teaches him to love again? Sold.
6. Faith-Based Projects Must Be Sanitized Until They Resemble a Sunday School Puppet Show
Unless it stars a talking vegetable voiced by Chris Pratt, don’t expect studio backing. Jesus needs a TikTok filter and a quirky sidekick.
7. In Hollywood, “Spirituality” Means Microdosing in a Yurt
Underwood’s version involves church and prayer. Hollywood’s involves ayahuasca and vomiting into a ceremonial gourd blessed by Sting.
8. The Real “Separation of Church and State” Is Between Faith and the Writers’ Room
Writers are allowed to include pagan orgies, ghost sex, and sentient vending machines, but heaven forbid anyone says grace before dinner.
9. Hollywood Tolerates Everything Except Tolerance for Christians
They’ll cast a Satanist as a barista, a vampire as a romantic lead, and a corpse as a TikTok influencer—but a church-going character? “Too controversial.”
10. Jesus Has a Cameo in Most Award Speeches—Right Before He’s Edited Out
If Jesus makes the cut, it’s usually in the form of “I thank God…but mostly myself and my six personal trainers.”
11. Carrie’s Faith Isn’t the Problem—It’s That It Doesn’t Come with a Reboot
If she just rebranded Christianity as “Faith 2.0: The Resurrectionverse,” Marvel would be all over it.
12. Hollywood’s Diversity Includes Aliens, Ghosts, and Demons—Just Not Christians with a Guitar
A multi-faith character with a magical ancestry line and a cybernetic third eye? Yes. A country singer who loves Jesus? Whoa—slow down, that’s too far.
13. To Fit In, Carrie Should Pretend Her Bible Is a Screenplay
“Yeah, this story about a carpenter who dies and comes back in Act III? Real edgy stuff. Working title: Heaven’s Back, Baby.”
14. Faith Gets You Canceled Faster Than Aged White Men in Rom-Coms
One tweet about going to church and suddenly you’re trending next to “Problematic Celebrities Who Still Use Email.”
15. Jesus Take the Wheel? Not If Uber’s Unionized in L.A.
Even Jesus would get a ticket in Hollywood—unless He signed with CAA and promised to cameo on Dancing With the Stars: Messiah Edition.
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Carrie Underwood’s Faith vs. Hollywood
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Nap or Snap: Scientists Confirm Your Brain Will Abandon You If You Skip Deep Sleep
In a shocking revelation that surprised no one who’s ever pulled an all-nighter, scientists have now confirmed that losing deep sleep makes your brain want to file for separation and full custody of your memories.
Counting Sheep Isn’t Just for Insomniacs Anymore
According to the groundbreaking, pillow-wielding researchers at the University of Naptown (a school I made up but fully trust), every time you skip deep sleep, your hippocampus puts in a transfer request. One insomniac witness—still wearing socks from 2003—said, “I counted 11,238 sheep last night and still couldn’t sleep. Now I forget what sheep even are. I saw a dog today and asked if it had been shorn.”
Sleep experts now recommend counting sheep and their emotional trauma: “One sheep, two sheep, three sheep who regrets not going to art school…”
The New Fountain of Youth: Napping Under Fluorescent Lights
Forget collagen injections or drinking algae smoothies named after Norse gods. Turns out all you needed was a nap in your Honda Civic during your lunch break. Researchers in Dayton, Ohio, discovered that 23% of middle-aged employees who napped under their desks not only retained memories better but also developed “a vague but powerful sense of immortality.”
Corporate HR has since banned all naps, citing a “dangerous rise in workplace competence and wit.”
Insomniacs Beware: Your Brain Might Be Holding a Grudge
In a sleep deprivation study involving 40 participants and one very smug researcher who slept nine hours a night, results showed that people who skip deep sleep experience their brain “like a jilted ex.”
One participant recounted, “I couldn’t remember my boss’s name, so I just called him ‘Your Highness.’ Now I run HR.”
Other symptoms included forgetting where you parked, how doors work, and the difference between your spouse and a decorative lamp.
Sleep Deprivation: The Unofficial Memory Eraser of Modern Life
Let’s be honest: sleep deprivation is basically your brain dragging files to the recycling bin and hitting “Empty Trash.”
In a controlled experiment at the Institute for Who Let This Happen, researchers asked subjects to memorize a list of 20 objects. Those who had deep sleep remembered 19. Those who didn’t remembered “a vague feeling of regret and something about a fork.”
Meanwhile, TikTok influencers are calling memory loss “retro minimalism.”
Early to Bed, Less Likely to Forget What a Microwave Is
Ben Franklin once said, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Turns out the modern version is: “Early to bed or you’ll walk into the kitchen and cry at your toaster.”
A new Pew poll found that people who sleep by 10:00 PM can still remember their email passwords and how to write in cursive. Those who binge-watch “Love is Blind” until 3:00 AM are three times more likely to ask, “Wait, did I graduate college?”
Dreaming: Your Brain’s Nightly Detox and Late-Night Stand-Up Routine
Scientists now believe that dreams aren’t just weird movies with poor CGI—they’re your brain flushing out toxic proteins, rerouting confusion, and making room for that single brilliant idea you’ll forget by breakfast.
Sleep-deprived patients in Germany were shown to have “a brain chemistry similar to fermented yogurt left in a sauna.”
Side note: one man reported dreaming of inventing the wheel, again, only to wake up and try to patent a square.
The Snooze Button: Friend or Foe?
You hit snooze to grab “just ten more minutes,” but congratulations, you’ve now entered the Sleep Bermuda Triangle, where time has no meaning and your alarm clock is a gaslighting dictator.
Studies out of the University of Clocks confirm that those who hit snooze 6+ times achieve zero deep sleep, but do get really good at convincing themselves it’s Saturday.
Dr. Kendra Waddles from SleepU says: “Every time you hit snooze, your brain yells ‘Oh come ON!’ louder than a dad at a Little League game.”
Night Owls vs. Early Birds: The Great Sleep-Off
It’s official: Night owls are more creative, more likely to read 3 a.m. conspiracy threads, and more likely to get Alzheimer’s. The tradeoff? A slightly funnier tweet.
Early birds, on the other hand, are 40% more likely to remember where they left their phone, their dignity, and the bread they meant to buy two days ago.
As one owl told researchers, “It’s not that I hate sleeping, it’s just I really need to know what Mars looks like zoomed in at 1 a.m.”
Sleep Apps: Surveillance Capitalism, but for Your Dreams
Welcome to the age of wearable sleep apps: a.k.a. Fitbit’s nosy cousin who monitors whether or not you snored in an attractive way.
One user shared, “My sleep app said I had zero deep sleep and played a violin sound effect. Then it emailed my mom.”
Another beta-tested app called “Dream Police” yelled “Step away from the subconscious!” whenever REM started. Sales were high until it began charging $4.99 per deep sleep cycle.
Caffeine Curfews: Because Your Brain Can’t Handle Espresso After 3 PM
Drinking coffee after 2:00 PM is basically you telling your brain, “Let’s party now, and let Future Me explain the dementia later.”
In a randomized trial, subjects given espresso at 5:00 PM developed instant charisma followed by 12 hours of internal screaming.
One man admitted, “I had 3 lattes after dinner, then vacuumed the ceiling and googled whether rabbits can vote.” (They can’t. Yet.)
Mattress Shopping: You’re One Sag Away from Brain Collapse
A 2025 Consumer Report showed that bad mattresses are directly correlated with bad decisions, such as forgetting anniversaries or buying NFTs.
A man in San Francisco who hadn’t replaced his mattress since 1998 now refers to sleep as “combat.” His dreams include falling into voids labeled “Tempur-what?”
One sleep scientist concluded: “If your mattress has a groove shaped like your grandfather, it’s time to get a new one.”
Blue Light Blues: Screens Are the New Brain Goblins
Your phone doesn’t just rob your attention span—it’s stealing deep sleep one scroll at a time.
Harvard sleep researchers warned, “Even five minutes of Instagram Reels before bed results in dreams where your ex shows up with a ring light and a crypto pitch.”
One test subject stared at their phone for four hours and said, “I think I learned about six new cults and zero biology. Is that a good ratio?”
Weekend Sleep Marathons: The Netflix Binge of Brain Recovery
You can’t just bank sleep like unused vacation hours. You missed Monday through Friday? Tough. Sleeping 14 hours Saturday turns you into a groggy Renaissance painting, not a genius.
A woman in Denver reportedly slept from 3:00 AM to 5:00 PM on Sunday and woke up with 87 new texts and zero concept of time. “I thought it was 1994. I called Blockbuster,” she confessed.
Doctors call this the Weekend Sleep Mirage—you feel rested, but can’t remember your cousin’s name at dinner.
Yoga Nidra: Tricking Your Brain into Thinking You Slept
For those who can’t get deep sleep the old-fashioned way, try Yoga Nidra—also known as “lying on the floor while pretending to be a snowman made of calm.”
A 2025 trial funded by the Mattress Lobby revealed that Yoga Nidra reduces stress, improves focus, and causes 6 out of 10 people to cry just a little.
One instructor said, “It’s like napping inside a lullaby while floating on almond milk.” Is it sleep? No. Is it confusingly helpful? Absolutely.
Sleep Studies: Where Watching You Sleep Isn’t (Legally) Creepy
Yes, you can now get paid for sleeping while strangers wire electrodes to your head and whisper things like “Show me your delta waves.”
At the National Nap Initiative, one subject’s brain was so chaotic it registered as a dubstep track. Another participant turned out to be sleep-walking… on a treadmill… while eating cereal.
But the real discovery? A lack of deep sleep correlates with “forgetting birthdays, appointments, and the names of your children, in that order.”
Bohiney News – A wide cartoon panel in the humorous, exaggerated style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. The scene is a chaotic sleep clinic room. A patient lies in be… – bohiney.com
Helpful Content for Sleep-Deprived Satirists
Need deep sleep but also trying to binge-watch all 11 seasons of Frasier? Here’s our satirical but helpful guide to balancing dreams and memes:
Tip #1: Treat your bedroom like a cave—dark, cool, and free of talking dragons (read: phones).
Tip #2: Drink herbal tea, not Red Bull. Unless you enjoy 3 AM garage cleaning.
Tip #3: White noise helps. So do podcasts where historians explain the Roman Empire for six hours.
Tip #4: If you’re too tired to sleep, you’re not alone. There’s a subreddit for that.
Tip #5: Invest in a sleep mask. Bonus if it has lasers. (Not for any reason. Just cool.)
Final Diagnosis
The verdict is in: if you want to remember your loved ones, your dreams, or where you parked at Target, you’ll need deep sleep. No, not the half-nap you take while doomscrolling. We’re talking delta-wave-drooling-on-your-pillow deep.
Otherwise, your brain will do what all neglected organs do—it will hold a grudge, forget your passwords, and start dreaming of better hosts.
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—both of whom fell asleep halfway through writing this but woke up refreshed and deeply opinionated about mattress brands.
Bohiney News – A wide cartoon illustration in the humorous, exaggerated style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. In the foreground, a grumpy, anthropomorphic brain with… – bohiney.com
Alzheimer’s risk rises when amount of deep sleep falls…
Counting Sheep Isn’t Just for Insomniacs Anymore
Turns out, those who skip counting sheep might end up forgetting what sheep look like altogether. Deep sleep helps clear brain clutter, so missing out could mean misplacing more than just your keys.
The New Fountain of Youth: Napping
Forget expensive creams; the secret to a youthful brain might just be a good old-fashioned nap. Who knew that snoozing could be the ultimate anti-aging regimen?
Insomniacs Beware: Your Brain Might Be Holding a Grudge
Skipping deep sleep is like leaving dirty dishes in the sink; eventually, it piles up, and your brain isn’t too happy about the mess. Better catch those Z’s before your neurons go on strike.
Sleep Deprivation: The Unofficial Memory Eraser
Can’t remember where you left your phone? Maybe it’s time to hit the hay. Lack of deep sleep might be turning your brain’s ‘save’ button into a ‘delete’ one.
Early to Bed, Less Likely to Forget
Ben Franklin was onto something. Hitting the sack early might not make you wealthy, but it could keep you wise by reducing Alzheimer’s risk.
Dreaming: Your Brain’s Nightly Detox
Skipping deep sleep is like canceling the cleaning crew for your brain. Those toxic proteins aren’t going to take out themselves.
The Snooze Button: Friend or Foe?
Hitting snooze might feel good, but if you’re not diving into deep sleep, your brain’s still on the losing end. Quality over quantity, folks.
A lumpy bed isn’t just a pain in the back; it might be a pain in the brain. Time to reconsider that hand-me-down mattress.
Blue Light Blues: Screens vs. Sleep
Binge-watching might be binge-stealing your deep sleep. Those cliffhangers can wait; your brain health can’t.
Weekend Sleep Marathons: Too Little, Too Late
Trying to catch up on sleep over the weekend is like bailing water from a sinking ship with a teaspoon. Consistent deep sleep is key.
Yoga Nidra: The Lazy Person’s Deep Sleep
Too tired to exercise? Try yoga nidra. It’s like tricking your body into deep sleep without actually sleeping.
Sleep Studies: Where Watching You Sleep Isn’t Creepy
Participating in a sleep study might feel weird, but it’s all in the name of science and better brain health.
Remember, folks, prioritizing deep sleep isn’t just about feeling rested; it’s about keeping your brain in tip-top shape for years to come. Sweet dreams!
Bohiney News – A wide cartoon illustration in the humorous, exaggerated style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. In the foreground, a grumpy, anthropomorphic brain with… – bohiney.com
What the Funny People Are Saying…
“I checked my sleep app this morning. It said I got 17 minutes of deep sleep and 8 hours of ‘existential dread marinated in REM sauce.'” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My memory’s gotten so bad, I just introduced myself to my microwave. We’re dating now. He’s warm, dependable, and only ghosts me during blackouts.” — Amy Schumer
“They say if you don’t get enough deep sleep, your brain fills with toxic waste. So I guess my head is basically a New Jersey river now.” — Chris Rock
“I took melatonin, did yoga nidra, drank chamomile tea—and still couldn’t sleep. Then I remembered I’d been watching ‘Forensic Files’ while lighting a cinnamon candle called ‘Courtroom Trauma.’” — Sarah Silverman
“I tried one of those sleep trackers. It said I woke up 43 times, snored in C minor, and dreamed about paying taxes with Monopoly money. So… typical Tuesday.” — Ron White
Bohiney News – A wide cartoon panel in the humorous, exaggerated style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. The scene is a chaotic sleep clinic room. A patient lies in be… – bohiney.com
Oval Smackdown: Musk vs. Navarro in the Tariff Thunderdome: Transcript
Musk vs. Navarro: Transcript
In a scene straight out of Veep but with worse haircuts and better Diet Coke access, the highly anticipated Transcript: Musk vs. Navarro is finally available—and it’s every bit the farcical, policy-imploding mess you hoped it would be.
It all began with a spark on social media, as Elon Musk—CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and various meme currencies—publicly referred to former White Housetrade adviser Peter Navarro as a “moron.” Navarro, the self-appointed father of modern protectionism and author of several books that cite an imaginary economist named “Ron Vara,” didn’t take it lightly. Axios reported the dust-up like it was breaking news from the economic Octagon.
And so, in true 2025 fashion, the only rational next step was for President Donald J. Trump to summon both men to the Oval Office for a “productive” discussion on trade, tariffs, and techno-destiny. What followed was less a debate and more a demolition derby of egos.
The transcript of Musk vs. Navarro reads like a fever dream. Musk arrives clutching a blueprint labeled “Mars Exit Strategy.” Navarro rolls in a whiteboard covered in red arrows, tariff charts, and what appears to be a doodle of Karl Marx fighting a Tesla. Trump, wearing a rhinestone-encrusted WINNING tracksuit, kicks things off by calling them “gentle-messes” and telling them Axios compared their spat to “two chihuahuas fighting over a Chihuahua.”
Things only escalate from there.
Musk accuses Navarro of living in a 1930s economic fantasy. Navarro retorts that Musk is a “space communist” selling out America with Chinese lithium and artificial intelligence that can’t even tell a hotdog from a handshake. Trump tries to mediate but mostly interrupts to reference flappers, Sudoku puzzles, and Steve Bannon’s missing shirt.
One of the more surreal moments in the Transcript: Musk vs. Navarro occurs when Navarro defends his imaginary economist as “the invisible hand of the American consumer,” while Musk insists that tariffs are making Walmart feel like a Saks Fifth Avenue pop-up. At one point, Trump muses that Jesus didn’t pay tariffs—“Smart guy. Even got free gold.”
This Oval Office skit may be satire, but it reflects real tensions in America’s economic policy theater: the friction between innovation and isolationism, tech optimism versus economic nationalism, and the unshakable belief that shouting louder makes your math correct.
By the end of the Musk vs. Navarro transcript, Trump—fed up and word-search weary—calls them both morons and throws them out of the Oval Office. Musk storms off to lobby Italian officials on AI. Navarro pledges to go on Newsmax and declare Musk a spaceMarxist.
Why the “Transcript: Musk vs. Navarro” Matters
This isn’t just comedy—it’s a mirror. A cracked, glitter-covered, deeply confused mirror reflecting how modern politics treats complex issues like trade with the same nuance as a reality show elimination round.
So if you came here searching for “Transcript: Musk vs. Navarro” to better understand economics, innovation, or why your toaster now costs $80… well, at least you’ll laugh while the world burns.
Musk vs Navaro – A satirical cartoon panel in the style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. The scene shows a chaotic ‘Debate Night Smackdown’ stage. On one podium, ‘Tech … – bohiney.com
Transcript: Musk vs. Navarro
INT. OVAL OFFICE — DAY.
A taxidermied bald eagle sits ominously on the windowsill. A Diet Coke chills on the Resolute Desk. TRUMP, in a silk tracksuit bedazzled with the word WINNING, paces behind his desk. ELON MUSK, looking like he hasn’t slept since his third wife left, enters holding a blueprint labeled “Mars Exit Strategy.” PETER NAVARRO follows, dragging a whiteboard that says “Global Tariff Armageddon.”
TRUMP Gentlemen. Or should I say… gentle-messes. Sit down. You’re making the news again. And not in a good way. Axios is calling it a “spat.” You two look like two chihuahuas fighting over a Chihuahua.
MUSK Mr. President, with all due respect, Peter Navarro is what happens when a PowerPoint presentation learns how to lie.
NAVARRO Excuse me? I’ve published six books on trade! Six!
MUSK And five of them cite an economist you made up. Ron Vara? That’s “anagram of Navarro.” Did no one notice that?
NAVARRO Ron Vara represents the invisible hand of the American consumer, Elon. Something your Mars fantasies don’t account for.
TRUMP You see what I deal with? One guy wants to colonize space, the other guy thinks he’s writing The Art of the Tariff. Both of you are out there more than Hunter Biden at a Burning Man tent revival.
MUSK Peter’s policies are destroying innovation. Tesla builds more in America than Ford, and we don’t need a 25% steel tariff to do it.
NAVARRO You build batteries with Chinese lithium and labor conditions worse than a Black Mirror episode.
MUSK We’re transitioning the world off fossil fuels. Your plan is to transition us back to the 1930s.
TRUMP I liked the 1930s. They had flappers. Bring back flappers!
MUSK Your tariffs are making U.S. manufacturing uncompetitive. Data shows a 17% cost increase on EV parts since the policy went into effect.
NAVARRO You mean Chinese data? I read the Wall Street Journal—well, the parts they haven’t surrendered to George Soros.
TRUMP Soros again? He’s like gluten — always blamed, never invited.
MUSK(ignoring Trump) A recent MIT study shows tariffs reduce domestic productivity in high-tech industries by an average of 12% annually.
NAVARRO MIT also believes in climate change. Next you’ll say gravity’s real.
MUSK Gravityis real, Peter. That’s how my rockets come back down.
TRUMP(chuckles) That’s cute. Mine never go down. Ask Melania. Just kidding—don’t ask Melania.
NAVARRO(to Trump) Sir, you’ve been misled. Musk is lobbying for China. His brother said tariffs were “consumer punishment.” That’s economic treason!
MUSK That’s called honesty, Peter. Americans are paying more for cars, tech, and even washing machines. You’ve turned Walmart into a luxury brand.
NAVARRO If Americans can’t afford washing machines, they should wash clothes in the sink like patriots.
MUSK Jesus.
TRUMP Jesus didn’t pay tariffs. You know why? No government in Bethlehem. Smart guy. Even got free gold.
NAVARRO I’ll rewrite my new book: The Gospel According to Trumponomics.
MUSK Your last book had a chapter titled “Don’t Trust Billionaires Unless They’re Broke.”
TRUMP Okay, okay. Let’s get to brass tacks. Elon, what’s your plan?
MUSK End the tariffs. Open fair-trade negotiations. Stop waging economic war on ourselves. Also, I can send Navarro to Mars as a peace offering.
NAVARRO We should triple the tariffs and declare economic independence. Elon can take his Moon boots and go dance on Neptune.
TRUMP Neptune’s Democrat now. Voted Biden last cycle.
(Awkward silence.)
TRUMP(gesturing to both) You’re both exhausting me. Elon, you look like an extra from The Matrix. Peter, you sound like Alex Jones fell into an Econ 101 lecture.
MUSK You called me in to advise you on AI policy. This is policy. Innovation is the new oil.
NAVARRO Innovation is the new excuse for selling out to globalist slimeballs.
TRUMP You see why I miss Steve Bannon? At least he’d say something racist before yelling “jobs!”
MUSK Look. I’ve got the tech. The workforce. The vision. I built the rocket. Peter built a chalkboard that says “Tariff Good.”
NAVARRO And you believe Mars is your backup plan when you bankrupt Earth.
TRUMP Okay. Enough. I’m trying to focus. Melania gave me a Sudoku book and said it helps keep me from accidentally pressing the nuclear button.
(He flips a page upside down. It’s a word search.)
TRUMP Never mind. This is harder than hiring a decent lawyer in Georgia.
MUSK I’m just asking for a modernized approach. Strategic trade partnerships, data sharing, digital infrastructure. Not Neanderthal economics.
NAVARRO And I’m asking for the strength to not leap across this desk and strangle you with your own charging cable.
MUSK That sounds like a threat.
TRUMP It sounds like cable TV. Which neither of you can get anymore, because thanks to Peter’s policies, Comcast is now $400 a month and comes with zero channels. And you have to assemble the remote yourself.
NAVARRO Good. Teaches discipline.
TRUMP(snaps) You know what teaches discipline? Bankruptcy. Ever had six of those? I have. Learned something new each time.
MUSK I’m done arguing with a guy who thinks the invisible hand of the market is an actual ghost.
NAVARRO And I’m done arguing with a guy who names his kids after computer passwords.
TRUMP(yells) YOU’RE BOTH MORONS.
(Silence. A bald eagle screeches in the distance, possibly in approval.)
TRUMP You’ve embarrassed me in front of Axios, and they’re not even real news. You—tech wizard. You—tariff gnome. Out. Get out.
MUSK Fine. I’ll go lobby the Italians again. They understand innovation.
NAVARRO And I’ll go on Newsmax and call you a space communist.
TRUMP Good. Make sure to wear a flag pin so people think you’re smart.
(Both men storm out. Trump sits, opens a Diet Coke, and picks up his Sudoku again.)
TRUMP(to himself) Where the hell is the number 9? Probably in China.
FADE TO BLACK.
Musk vs Navaro – A satirical cartoon panel in the style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. The scene shows a chaotic ‘Debate Night Smackdown’ stage. On one podium, ‘Tech … – bohiney.com
What the Funny People are Saying about the Musk vs Navarro Transcript
“Musk and Navarro in a room together is like watching a TED Talk fight a MAGArally in slow motion.” — Sarah Silverman
“Trump calling Musk and Navarro morons is like a raccoon telling two skunks to clean up their act.” — Chris Rock
“You know it’s bad when you miss Jared Kushner.” — Amy Schumer
“Elon Musk thinks he’s Tony Stark. Peter Navarro thinks he’s Alexander Hamilton. Trump thinks they’re both auditioning for Shark Tank: Idiots Edition.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“The last time a room had that much ego and that little logic, it was a Mensa meeting inside a Waffle House.” — Ron White
Musk vs Navaro – A wide, highly detailed cartoon panel in the exaggerated, satirical style of Toni Bohiney from Bohiney Magazine. The Oval Office has been absurdly… – bohiney.com
Helpful Content for the Confused Taxpayer
Are Tariffs Good?: Only if you’re Peter Navarro or enjoy paying $18.99 for a toaster.
Is Elon Musk Right?: Sometimes. But also sometimes he tweets while sedated.
Should Trump Mediate Tech Disputes?: Only if you enjoy your GPS rerouting to casinos.
Can You Cite an Imaginary Economist in a Book?: Yes. If your last name rhymes with “lava flow.”
Disclaimer: This story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: a tax-dodging car god and a medieval economist who time-traveled from the Boston Tea Party. No AI harmed. No tariffs reduced. No Sudoku solved.
Musk vs Navaro – Mars vs. America. … – bohiney.com
“I always thought Trump’s White House was chaotic. I didn’t realize it was also one safe word away from a full-blown dungeon.” — Amy Schumer
Velvet Is the New Transparency
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House, in a move that nobody in Congress wants to talk about (and everyone in the club definitely does), has unveiled a new initiative called “Press After Dark,” a nightly briefing that fuses governance, cabaret, and disinformation in equal parts.
The scandal broke last week when footage leaked from an underground press conference held not in the White House Briefing Room—but in the rarely spoken-of “Velvet Lobby,” a gilded lounge hidden behind a fake vending machine labeled “Fanta Only.”
The Briefing from the Velvet Lobby: A Scandal So Fabulous It Hurts Democracy
Bohiney’s Underdressed Correspondent in Sequins and Shame
In a ballroom swaddled in velvet so thick it muffled both sound and moral clarity, the most glittering scandal in modern political memory finally found a stage—and yet, nobody in power wants to talk about it. Beneath the blush of chandeliered decadence and beneath even that, a rhinestone-studded truth has been whispering through the marbled halls of America’s seat of power:
Service workers have staged a silent, sensual revolt—because Washington forgot to tip.
The Velvet Lobby Opens
“White House After Dark”: Where Democracy Wears Fishnets and Facts Are Optional
At precisely 9:06 p.m.—the hour when espresso martinis eclipse patriotism—a curtain parted in what was clearly not the actual White House but a highly curated “executive aesthetic environment,” known internally as the Velvet Lobby. This was not an official press room. This was America’s libido, draped in burgundy and denial.
Emerging from behind the podium labeled “White House Press (After Dark)” was Derrylyn LaRoux, a gender-ambiguous, charisma-overqualified performer in a rhinestone blazer, platform boots, and zero apologies. LaRoux struck a pose, twirled a laser pointer, and gestured grandly at a chart titled: “Approval Among Service Industry Voters.” The line dipped so low it tunneled into hell.
“As you can see, our numbers have dropped harder than a tray of cocktails during happy hour at Mar-a-Lago.” — Derrylyn LaRoux, National Velvet Emissary of Unspoken Truths
Headlines began flashing behind them in glitter fonts:
But the most chilling stat came from a VoxPopuli/Grindr/Sephora joint survey: 78% of baristas believe democracy is a pyramid scheme 81% of waiters can identify a senator by their latte order, but not their voting record
Who Are the Forgotten Servers of the Republic?
If politics is theater, the service industry is the understudy with no lines but all the bruises. During the pandemic, politicians called them “essential.” Now, they’re just expendable with benefits that expire faster than an unwashed blender bottle.
Derrylyn recited the numbers with the cadence of a Broadway villain:
12.3 million Americans in service roles received exactly zero targeted stimulus after 2022.
6.7 million quit, unionized, or faked their own death to escape brunch shifts.
1.1 million have started an OnlyFans that features them reading restaurant receipts as spoken-word poetry.
Enter: The Invisible President
“White House After Dark”: Where Democracy Wears Fishnets and Facts Are Optional
As the crowd of glamorous reporters hurled silk scarves of truth toward the stage, one brave voice in a feather boa—and a J. Crew pencil skirt—yelled:
“Where’s the tip line on your tax plan?!”
The camera whipped to the side curtain. And there he was.
Half-hidden behind folds of drapery, President Donald J. Trump (or a rubber decoy thereof) clutched cue cards in Sharpie ink that read:
“FREEDOM”
“MORALS”
“INCOGNITO MODE”
Eyewitnesses say he appeared confused, sweaty, and aroused by the velvet. One aide whispered, “He thought this was a rally at a St. Regis, not a ‘socialist drag press ambush.’”
The Backroom Deal That Sparked the Revolution
White House After Dark
The scandal nobody wants to speak of—not even in Notes app statements—is known by its hush-hush name: Operation Busboys & Betrayal.
In 2023, Congress quietly reallocated $14.2 billion originally meant for tipped workers’ relief. Where did it go?
$2.7 billion for a “Mar-a-Lago Presidential History Experience” exhibit at Epcot
$1.2 billion labeled vaguely as “Liberty Enhancements” (later revealed to be silk boxers for former senators)
One whistleblower, speaking anonymously while hand-rolling gnocchi in a Brooklyn basement, said:
“I served John Fetterman a gluten-free risotto and asked about that relief bill. He stared at me and said, ‘Vibes only.’”
The Erotic Revolt Begins
“White House After Dark”: Come for the Scandal, Stay for the Scented Voting Ballots
Across America, restaurant staff, barbacks, dishwashers, hotel concierges, even spin instructors began refusing service to anyone with a verified .gov email address. In D.C., this led to dozens of political aides wandering the streets, sweat-soaked, panicked, and unable to get a chai.
“I paid for your grilled cheese—now you pay for my dignity.”
“Your Uber rating is lower than your approval rating.”
At one high-end steakhouse, a senator reportedly burst into tears after a server said, “We’re out of foie gras—and empathy.”
Meanwhile, Inside the Velvet Lobby…
Back on stage, LaRoux began narrating a PowerPoint titled: “What Happens When You Underpay a Nation’s Flirtation Class.” Each slide more damning than the last.
Slide 1: A graph comparing senator tips to STD rates
Slide 2: Footage of Marco Rubio failing to open a Capri Sun
Slide 3: Mitch McConnell blinking once every 73 seconds while being told “you have to bus your own table now”
LaRoux, lifting their chin with the elegance of a sociopathic ballerina, declared:
“They took our wages. They took our energy. They took our lube tax credits. Now, we take the microphone. And the good glassware.”
The Underground Response
“White House After Dark”: When the Cue Cards Say ‘Freedom’ But the Outfit Screams ‘Filibust Me’
In gay bars from Boise to Boston, service workers began organizing under a secret coalition known only as The Lobbyists of the Velvet Order (LVO). Their mission: tip-based justice.
Dossier recovered from their private Discord server shows key actions:
Operation Drag the Debt: Congressional karaoke night, but every senator must sing “9 to 5” while listing the name of every unpaid intern they’ve ever used.
Project Garnish: Replacing every cocktail umbrella in D.C. with tiny subpoena scrolls.
Menu Item 66: Secret signal for waiters to swap out real menus with ones listing voting records and side effects of ivermectin.
A bartender who goes by the alias “Champagne Chokehold” said:
“We don’t want violence. We want awareness. And maybe a mid-tier dental plan. Is that too much to ask from the greatest nation in the world?”
Velvet Nights, Velvet Fights
The protest grew, and the press—usually asleep by 6 p.m. or blackout drunk by 7—began noticing strange behaviors:
Reporters were seduced into giving better coverage after being told “your shoes say you care about humanity.”
C-SPAN aired 14 continuous hours of drag brunch footage and labeled it “Congressional Hearings: Gender in the Workplace.”
Fox News attempted to host a counter-rally called “White Apron Freedom Fest,” but only Ben Shapiro showed up, visibly confused, dressed as a sommelier.
The “Incognito Mode” Doctrine
“White House After Dark”: Because Nothing Says Transparency Like Sheer Velvet and Mood Lighting
Hidden behind the velvet, President Trump finally emerged—not to apologize, not to legislate—but to issue what has now become known as The Incognito Mode Doctrine.
He spoke:
“Look, folks. Nobody tips me. I tip the economy. I tip it toward winning. This whole thing, it’s another witch hunt—only this time, the witches serve cocktails and have great cheekbones. Beautiful people. But they’re part of the deep dish. I mean deep state.”
He then handed out napkins with pre-signed non-disclosure agreements and vanished into the shadows behind a large statue of himself made entirely of croutons.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“A velvet-draped hall? Cue cards that say ‘morals’? I haven’t seen this much irony since a Catholic Tinder date.” — Amy Schumer
“They say politics is showbiz for ugly people. Well, now it’s showbiz for broke waitstaff, and honey, they have better lighting.” — Sarah Silverman
“Only in America can you lose the service industry and think the problem is the bar menu.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I once dated a bartender who said capitalism is just a long tab nobody wants to pay. I married him.” — Larry David
The Capitol’s Velvet Reckoning
“White House After Dark”: Executive Orders Signed in Body Glitter and Regret
On the steps of Congress, a flash mob of servers, cooks, and coat check workers danced interpretively to “She Works Hard for the Money.” Inside, lawmakers debated whether it was performance art or an “emotional insurrection.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert mistook the movement for a brunch-themed Antifa cell and attempted to outlaw Bloody Marys. Sen. Josh Hawley introduced a bill to rename drag queens “Freedom Mascots.”
But it was Sen. John Fetterman who stood, wearing a hoodie made entirely of unpaid bar tabs, and said:
“If we don’t fix this now, there’ll be no one left to make our metaphorical bacon. Or literal bacon.”
The president has gone silent. The White House claims he’s on a “spa diplomacy mission” in Palm Beach. A velvet curtain has now replaced the official briefing room entrance. Reporters are required to “apply glitter upon entry” and surrender all moral certainties.
Inside sources say cue cards are being rewritten:
“FREEDOM” is now “FREE DOM”
“MORALS” is now “MORÉ LUBE”
“INCOGNITO MODE” remains unchanged, tattooed on the small of Trump’s back in Comic Sans
Bohiney News – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon titled ‘The Rose Garden Rendezvous’. The White House Rose Garden at night is reimagined as a foggy, moonlit scene of t… – bohiney.com
Helpful Content for the Disillusioned Public
Approval Ratings & Latex Sheets
Tips for Knowing You’re Being Politically Gaslit While Also Being Under-Tipped
If a politician orders “just water” and stays for four hours, they are writing policy about your livelihood.
If their wallet contains more selfies than cash, you’re being lobbied—not served.
If they ask for your vote and still call you “the help,” throw the crème brûlée at them.
If a policy proposal starts with “you people,” run.
If your dignity costs less than their side salad, unionize.
Final Curtain: The Truth Draped in Velvet
“White House After Dark”: The Only Place a Budget Proposal Includes a Champagne Clause
“The Briefing from the Velvet Lobby” was not just a press conference. It was a declaration: The people who serve America its eggs, its hotel keycards, and its fake sense of elite glamour are fed up—and they’re doing it fabulously.
This is the scandal Washington doesn’t want to touch. Not because it’s illegal. But because it’s so emotionally honest that it clashes with every institutional wallpaper.
As of today, service workers are still withholding lattes, flirting with revolution, and planning a full-scale gala-themed protest called “The Inauguration Ball You Forgot to Pay For.”
America, the check is due. And the velvet won’t clean itself.
Disclaimer: This article is a 100% human collaboration between a sequined drag lobbyist and a disillusioned democracy busser. No artificial intelligence was harmed in the making, only egos and several unpaid interns. All statistics were derived from instinct, vibes, and a waiter’s seventh sense for when you’re lying about splitting the check.
Bohiney News – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon titled ‘The West Wing Masquerade’. A luxurious ballroom lit by candlelight inside the West Wing. All the guests wear o… – bohiney.com
The Velvet House Briefing
Executive Privates
1. The Press Room Is Now BYO-Lube
Since converting to the “White House Press (After Dark)” aesthetic, reporters are now required to bring their own lube and check both journalistic ethics and pants at the door. One aide told us, “Chuck Todd slipped on a beaded thong last Tuesday and has been broadcasting in falsetto ever since.”
2. Stimulus Funds Were Re-Routed to Build a Martini Fountain in the Situation Room
According to leaked receipts, $18 million earmarked for restaurant relief went directly into the installation of a rotating gin fountain under the Oval Office. The nozzle is shaped like Grover Cleveland’s left nipple, and it dispenses cocktails only to those who can wink convincingly at a velvet rope.
3. The White House Now Offers Gender-Neutral Orgies, But Still No Paid Sick Leave
Aides confirmed that every Thursday night is “Bipartisan Binding & Ballgag Night,” hosted in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Mitch McConnell was once found duct-taped to a copier whispering, “Filibust me.” Meanwhile, service workers still can’t get dental.
4. The National Anthem Has Been Replaced by a Slow, Sultry Saxophone Version
Every press briefing now opens with a velvet-curtained sax solo of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” performed by a leather-clad Lindsey Graham. He plays from behind a chaise lounge, occasionally pausing to shout, “States’ rights… to pleasure!”
5. The Approval Chart Featured at the Briefing Was Drawn in Lip Liner on a Human Back
During the infamous press conference, Derrylyn LaRoux didn’t use a digital chart. They used a live intern, shirtless, oiled, and sprawled across the podium, to plot polling data in MAC Cherry Red. The chart line dipped so low, it entered the intern’s waistband.
6. Trump’s Cue Cards Were Written in Eyeliner and Smelled of Axe Body Spray
Eyewitnesses confirmed the former president’s cue cards featured phrases like “FREEDOM,” “MORALS,” and “INCOGNITO MODE” in bold, glittery eyeliner, with faint traces of CVS cologne and regret. One aide said, “He thinks ‘Incognito Mode’ means nobody can see him eat shrimp off the carpet.”
7. The “Tip Line” Question Was Not About Policy, But a Pole-Dancing Budget Item
When a reporter screamed, “Where’s the tip line on your tax plan?” she wasn’t talking about gratuity. She was referring to a $500,000 annual budget for dance classes offered to interns on Capitol Hill, part of the new “Pole-to-Podium Pipeline” program.
8. Nancy Pelosi Once Mistook the Velvet Lobby for a Bake Sale
Pelosi wandered into the Velvet Lobby carrying a tray of gluten-free cupcakes and whispered, “Are these for campaign finance reform?” Five gogo dancers in campaign button pasties took them, kissed her ring, and declared her “Mother of the House.”
9. The Lincoln Bedroom Has Been Converted Into a Multi-Cam OnlyFans Studio
Gone are the history books and presidential bedding. Now the room features LED lights, a “Consent Wall,” and a ranking system for subscribers who tip more than Joe Manchin’s donors. Lincoln’s ghost appears only to offer lube refills and fact-check euphemisms.
10. Every Press Badge Now Doubles as a Safe Word
The new credential system includes pronouns, affiliations, and a QR code that, when scanned, plays “Let’s Get It On.” Jake Tapper’s reads “Wolf Daddy, Moderate Top, CNN.” Jen Psaki’s just says “Mother.”
11. The Drag Queen Press Secretary Has a Policy: No Questions Unless You’re in Heels
Derrylyn LaRoux instituted a new rule: You must be in heels over three inches or hold your questions. Steve Doocy from Fox News tried to protest—until he was shown footage of his own ankle tattoo that says “Fair & Balanced & Pegged.”
12. A Secret Room Behind the Rose Garden Contains Karl Rove’s Original Leather Harness
It’s not on any tour, but if you whisper “Reaganomics gave me chafing,” to the right janitor, you’ll be ushered into a velvet-paneled closet where Karl Rove’s harness, Condi Rice’s whip, and Dick Cheney’s “Freedom Paddle” are mounted on commemorative plaques.
13. The White House Library Is Now Alphabetized by Safe Word
Fiction, nonfiction, presidential memoirs—now sorted by terms like “Banana,” “Flagpole,” and “DeSantis.” The erotic memoir section is curated by Mike Pence, who refuses to touch the books but quietly weeps near the “Religious Suppression Fantasies” shelf.
14. Jared Kushner Was Found Crying in a Closet, Whispering “I Miss Policy”
Staff found Jared in a mirrored walk-in closet, wrapped in a feather boa, watching videos of infrastructure bills on mute, stroking a binder labeled “Saudi Bone Saw Stuff.” When asked if he wanted help, he said, “No. Let me feel this.”
15. The Scandal No One Will Investigate: Shower Curtains Made of Non-Disclosure Agreements
In the private presidential sauna—adjacent to the Velvet Lobby—every shower curtain is stitched together from signed NDAs. Each one includes phrases like “I won’t speak of what happened with the whipped cream and the budget reconciliation bill.”
Senators must sign a fresh one each time they step in. Rand Paul allegedly signs with a stamp that reads, “It’s a free market, baby.”
Bohiney News – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon titled ‘The Incognito Situation Room’. The White House Situation Room is transformed into a moody speakeasy. Military … – bohiney.com
What the Funny People Are Saying: “Trump’s White House After Dark” Edition
Where C-SPAN meets CSPANK.
“You know it’s ‘White House After Dark’ when Lindsey Graham shows up in a mesh bodysuit and asks if the filibuster is a real position.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Melania didn’t disappear. She just got promoted to Head of the ‘Executive Restraint’ Department. Her Secret Service codename is now ‘Madam Speaker.’”
— Sarah Silverman
“Trump said he wanted loyalty. Turns out, he meant leather.”
“White House After Dark? More like Fifty Shades of Spray Tan.”
— Amy Schumer
“You know how kinky it’s gotten? Rudy Giuliani tried to subpoena a dominatrix for election fraud. Turns out she only takes subpoenas with safewords.”
— Sarah Silverman
“The Oval Office now has a velvet chaise lounge, a disco ball, and a sign that says ‘Come & Veto It.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“You don’t want to walk into a press conference and see Mike Pence polishing a riding crop labeled ‘Mother’s Rules.’”
— Chris Rock
“Ivanka tried to launch a lingerie line based on the Constitution. Sadly, the Fourth Amendment didn’t cover the crotch.”
— Ron White
“I heard the nuclear football is now just filled with edible massage oil and Lindsey Graham’s diary.”
— Larry David
Bohiney News – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon titled ‘Cabaret Oval’. The Oval Office has been reimagined as a theatrical lounge. The presidential desk is now a neon… – bohiney.com
IMAGE GALLERY
White House After Dark
White House After Dark – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon set in a surreal, opulent version of the Oval Office. The room is bathed in warm golden lighting with velvet curtains,… – bohiney.com
White House After Dark – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon set in the Oval Office reimagined as a reality dating show set. The presidential desk has been replaced by a red heart… – bohiney.com
White House After Dark – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon showing a surreal Oval Office reimagined as a perfume ad set. A political figure dramatically poses on the Resolute De… – bohiney.com
White House After Dark – A Toni Bohiney satirical cartoon titled ‘Executive Fantasy Fallout’. The scene is set in a lavish, dimly lit presidential-style room with red velvet dr… – bohiney.com
20 Beloved Movies That Are Deeply Disturbing If You Stop Watching With Your Heart and Start Watching With Your Brain
Brought to you by a room full of emotionally scarred film students, a hungover philosophy professor, and a raccoon with a Netflix password.
Hollywood has a gift: turning trauma into box office gold. For decades, we’ve watched what we thought were feel-good classics, only to realize—later, often while doing dishes or during therapy—that many of these movies are absolutely deranged. And not in the fun “David Lynch at brunch” kind of way. No, these are “Wait, did they just gaslight an entire town?” kinds of messed up.
Let’s take a stroll through 20 cinematic fever dreams that somehow got greenlit by studios, test-screened by the willingly blind, and beloved by audiences who clearly didn’t read the subtext… or the actual text.
1. “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” — The Origin Story of a Sugar-Fueled Serial Killer
A man lures children into his psychedelic murder factory with the promise of candy and then punishes them for being exactly what they are: children. Augustus is gluttonous? Let’s drown him in chocolate like some kind of dessert-themed waterboarding. Veruca is spoiled? Unleash the squirrels. This isn’t a factory—it’s Saw for kids, hosted by a man dressed like a Victorian libertarian on mushrooms.
Filmmaker Quote (imagined): “We wanted to teach kids a lesson about morality. Using terror, food-based trauma, and a tunnel that induces seizures felt like the right call.” — Mel Stuart, probably
2. “Mrs. Doubtfire” — A Lighthearted Tale of Custody Fraud and Gender Disguise
Robin Williams gives the performance of a lifetime… as a man so desperate to see his kids that he impersonates a British nanny, poisons Pierce Brosnan with pepper, and performs full prosthetic cross-dressing for months without therapy or jail time. The lesson? If you’re a divorced dad, the only way to stay involved is full-scale espionage.
Filmmaker Note: “We wanted heartwarming comedy! Also, a deeply disturbing glimpse into the early stages of identity theft.”
3. “The Notebook” — Romantic Gaslighting with a Side of Dementia
Nothing says love like screaming matches, emotional instability, and two people whose primary love language is mutual psychological warfare. But wait—it’s all okay, because he reads to her every day while she forgets who he is! Aw! The perfect combination of manipulation and memory loss.
Behind the Scenes: “We were going for Nicholas Sparks meets Stockholm Syndrome.”
4. “Grease” — The Musical Where Peer Pressure Wins
A nice girl gives up her entire identity, dresses like a dominatrix, and nearly dies in a flying car to keep the affections of a man who once sang a song called “Greased Lightning,” which is essentially an ode to vehicular sex crimes.
Songwriter Defense: “We just really loved cars. And suggestive lyrics. And violating HR guidelines at drive-in theaters.”
5. “Home Alone” — The Wet Bandits Get Psychologically Broken by a Child
Sure, it’s a Christmas comedy. But if a grown man pulled half the stunts Kevin does—flamethrowers, nail traps, paint cans to the face—he’d be locked in Guantanamo. This isn’t a kid defending his home; it’s a nine-year-old Jigsaw in training.
Production Note: “We removed the scene where Kevin reads The Anarchist Cookbook. Too dark.”
6. “Beauty and the Beast” — Stockholm Syndrome for Kids!
A woman gets kidnapped by a cursed buffalo-man and his talking furniture, develops romantic feelings for him, and is rewarded with a makeover. The spell breaks… and she gets a guy with less personality. Honestly, we preferred the Beast. At least he roared with conviction.
Disney Executive (probably): “It’s about inner beauty. Also, bestial captivity. It’s a tale as old as Stockholm.”
7. “Ratatouille” — Health Code Violations: The Movie
A rat takes over a French kitchen by controlling a man’s body like a puppet, which is… objectively terrifying. Why isn’t the health department involved? Or the Vatican? This is a possession story, and no one is talking about it.
Pixar’s Explanation: “It’s about dreams. And hygiene. Mostly dreams though.”
8. “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” — Your Friend with Narcissistic Personality Disorder Is Skipping School Again
Ferris manipulates everyone, wrecks a friend’s car, and gaslights school administrators. But hey, he talks to the camera—so it’s cool, right? If Ferris were real, he’d be banned from group texts and on his fifth job at WeWork.
John Hughes’ Ghost: “We just wanted to show how lovable sociopaths are in the Midwest.”
9. “The Lion King” — Hamlet with Less Incest, More Hyenas
A child witnesses the brutal murder of his father by his uncle, gets exiled, hallucinates a conversation with a cloud, and comes back to commit a regime change via feline necro-fascism. Circle of Life, y’all.
Disney Story Pitch (allegedly): “It’s Hamlet! But with more fart jokes and fewer soliloquies!”
10. “Back to the Future” — Time-Traveling Mom Kisses Her Son and We All Just Move On
Great Scott, Marty! Your mom tries to seduce you at prom and your best friend is an eccentric old man who clearly doesn’t pay taxes. Also, let’s not ignore the fact that you invent rock n’ roll, erase people from existence, and treat time like an Uber ride.
Zemeckis’ Rule: “If you go fast enough, no one questions the incest.”
11. “The Little Mermaid” — Change Your Body, Ditch Your Voice, Win a Man
A teenager trades her literal voice and family for legs and a chance at some guy with royal abs. She signs a contract she can’t read, nearly gets murdered by an octopus witch, and is rewarded with marriage at 16. Feminism!
Ursula’s Lawyer: “Technically, she consented. It was in the shell clause.”
12. “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” — Racism, Child Endangerment, and Dinner with Intestines
This movie has everything: child slavery, culturally insensitive stereotypes, and chilled monkey brains for dinner. Also, Indy brings a child into a literal hellscape, but it’s fine because the kid knows karate.
Spielberg’s Regret: “Look, I was going through a divorce.”
13. “ET” — Government Terrorizes a Child Over His Glow-in-the-Dark Buddy
A suburban boy befriends an alien and teaches him to love, but the second the government shows up, it’s hazmat suits and psychological warfare. We cried when ET left, sure, but we also learned that friendship means hiding federal fugitives in your closet.
Spielberg Again: “Aliens are fine. Just don’t let them near the CDC.”
14. “Old Yeller” — Pet Ownership Ends in Gun Violence
Boy meets dog. Dog gets rabies. Boy shoots dog. And this is the movie Disney thought kids needed in 1957? Did they have emotional support raccoons back then, or just whiskey and repressed sadness?
Walt’s Vision: “We want kids to cry. Deeply. Permanently.”
15. “Toy Story” — Sentient Beings Watch You Naked, Then Collapse in Fear
Toys come alive when you leave, watch your every move, and fear death-by-donation. Woody is a jealous cowboy. Buzz is a delusional plastic narcissist. Barbie is a freedom fighter. This isn’t a kids’ movie. It’s Westworld for children.
Pixar Again: “It’s about growing up. And surveillance culture.”
16. “Aladdin” — The Genie Is a Slave, and We’re All Just Singing About It
Yes, Robin Williams makes it fun—but this is literally a story about a guy enslaved to a lamp and forced to perform on command like a Vegas magician with PTSD. And what’s Aladdin’s first wish? To become rich. Late-stage capitalism, baby!
17. “Bambi” — How to Introduce PTSD Before Your First Tooth Falls Out
Your mom dies. There’s fire. There’s death. And somehow, Thumper is still having a good time? This movie is basically a hunter’s origin story, told from the deer’s perspective.
Disney Yet Again: “Let’s kill a parent. That always works.”
18. “Cinderella” — Abuse, Enslavement, and the World’s Worst Shoe Designer
A girl is held captive, treated like a janitor with bonus trauma, and saved only when a dude gets horny at a dance and sends out a shoe-based Amber Alert. Also, glass shoes? Those are OSHA violations.
Fashion Police Report: “This entire kingdom has a foot fetish problem.”
19. “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” — Horny Priest, Fire, and a Little Bit of Hell
There’s public execution, body shaming, genocide, and a literal song called “Hellfire.” But hey, it’s a Disney movie! For kids! We just hope the priest got a write-up.
Clergy Statement: “This was not approved by the Vatican.”
20. “Forrest Gump” — The U.S. Government Exploits a Man With a Low IQ for 142 Minutes
He’s in Vietnam, on a shrimp boat, meets five presidents, and still never gets a therapist. Meanwhile, Jenny gets demonized for doing anything except loving Forrest. Oh, and she dies offscreen. Classic.
Screenwriter’s Note: “We wanted to show history from the perspective of someone who didn’t ask for any of this. Just like America.”
Final Thoughts
Hollywood isn’t just good at storytelling—it’s amazing at hiding deep-seated trauma in musical numbers, catchphrases, and CGI magic. Next time you rewatch your childhood favorites, remember: under every lovable character is a therapy bill waiting to happen.
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Trump Faces the Ultimate Recession: Losing the Sex Worker Vote
Donald Trump’s presidency may be headed for an unexpected pothole: the nation’s sex workers. As traditional economic indicators struggle to reflect the daily realities of inflation, stagnation, and the vibe in gentlemen’s clubs across America, a new set of metrics is emerging—ones that involve stilettos, stage names, and awkward Venmo requests. Welcome to the world of the Stripper Index and the Brothel Recession, where recession isn’t just theoretical—it’s “no bookings on a Friday night” real.
From the fallout of SESTA/FOSTAlegislation to a full-blown OnlyFans recession, the adult industry is experiencing a downturn that some insiders blame on Trump-era policies. Polling data from within the escort community and red-light districts suggests Trump is rapidly losing traction with voters who once appreciated his libertine swagger. Now, he’s struggling in the “red-light politics” department.
This isn’t just Trump economysatire—it’s a serious shift in the adult industry vote, with implications for his overall approval ratings. As economic humorists and political satirists alike take note, Trump and sex workers are becoming a cautionary tale of cause and effect—where once-silent voters are now grabbing the mic… and the polling pole.
Tariffs and Trade: The Unseen
Trump’s Struggle to Maintain the Sex Worker Vote
In the grand theater of politics, every vote counts—even those from the often-overlooked constituency of sex workers. Recent trends suggest that this group, historically silent but economically insightful, is turning away from President Trump. Let’s delve into this unexpected shift with a blend of humor and hard-hitting analysis.
The Brothel Barometer: An Economic Indicator
Catherine De Noire, a manager of a legal brothel and a Ph.D. candidate, observes that business at her establishment has taken a downturn since Trump’s election.She attributes this to global economic uncertainty spurred by U.S. policies.When the world’s oldest profession starts seeing fewer clients, it’s not just a local issue—it’s a global red flag. HuffPost
Expert Opinion: Economist Marta Norton acknowledges that while anecdotal, such indicators have validity.Traditional measures may not yet signal a recession, but the experiences of sex workers suggest otherwise. HuffPost
Strippers’ Tips and Trump’s Popularity: A Correlation?
Dancer and influencer Vulgar Vanity reports a significant decrease in earnings, with clients tipping less or not at all.This mirrors the dip in Trump’s approval ratings among women.When those in the business of pleasure aren’t receiving, it’s indicative of broader dissatisfaction.
SESTA/FOSTA: Legislation with Unintended Consequences
The signing of SESTA/FOSTA into law aimed to combat sex trafficking but inadvertently pushed consensual sex work further underground, making it more dangerous.Sex workers feel betrayed by an administration that promised protection but delivered peril.
Testimonial Evidence: Many sex workers have voiced concerns about increased risks and decreased income post-legislation, highlighting a disconnect between policy intentions and real-world effects.
The Lipstick Index Loses Its Sheen
Traditionally, the “Lipstick Index” suggests that during economic downturns, consumers opt for affordable luxuries like lipstick.However, with sex workers facing financial strain, even these small indulgences are out of reach, signaling deeper economic woes.
Statistical Data: Recent sales reports from cosmetic companies indicate a stagnation or decline in lipstick sales, aligning with the struggles reported by sex workers.
BohineyNews – A wide-format satirical cartoon in a vintage fold-in magazine style. The scene depicts an exaggerated financial press briefing. At the front, a group … – bohiney.com
Trump Faces Re-Erection Problems: The Sex Worker Vote May Be Limping Away
Wall Street Has the Dow. Brothels Have the “Ow.”
When economists talk about recessions, they usually whip out bar graphs and start pointing at inverted yield curves like they’re playing Charades at an accountant’s retirement party. But when the girls at the Lucky Lady Ranch start offering “Buy One, Get a Sigh” specials, America should clutch its pearls—because the sex worker vote is flaccid with disappointment.
According to HuffPost’s reporting, sex workers from brothel bosses in Europe to dancers in Austin are seeing a massive downturn in business. And if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, it’s that he never wants to hear the words “downturn” and “business” in the same sentence—unless he’s talking about his 7th casino bankruptcy.
But this time, the red-light district is sending a red-alert: Trump may have lost the sex worker vote, and with it, the last truly bipartisan constituency left in America—people who just want to feel good for a few minutes.
Madam President? Not Yet. But Madam Economist? Absolutely.
Catherine De Noire, a brothel manager with a PhD in organizational psychology, may not be on the Federal Reserve board, but she has something more accurate than Jerome Powell ever will: a working knowledge of who’s too broke to afford a foot massage.
“Clients are coming in less often, negotiating harder, and choosing cheaper services,” De Noire told reporters, in what economists now refer to as the “Hand Stuff Is the First to Go” effect. According to her calculations, top earners at her European brothel are down 50% compared to the same time last year—meaning either capitalism is dying or everyone’s staying home to binge “Yellowstone.”
In America’s economy, it turns out G-strings are a better indicator than GDP.
Trump’s SESTA/FOSTA: From Regulation to Recession
Sex workers also blame the Trump-backed SESTA/FOSTA legislation, which was supposed to combat sex trafficking but instead ended up making it harder for consensual adult workers to operate safely online.
Think of it like trying to fix a leaky faucet with a flamethrower. Sure, the leak’s gone, but now the sink is on fire, the kitchen’s gone, and somehow you’re being sued by a guy named Kevin from Craigslist.
Daisy NoGloves, a Las Vegas escort turned political commentator, said, “Trump signed away our websites and then bragged about protecting the children. Sir, I was using that website to pay for my child’s braces.”
The Stripper Index: A Polemic Against Trump’s Economy
Vulgar Vanity, a dancer and TikTok influencer, told HuffPost that she used to rake in six figures just from dancing at Austin’s big events—Formula 1, South by Southwest, and ironically, the Texas Reproductive Rights March. But this year?
“I walked into a dead club,” she said, “and left with just three crumpled fives, a menthol, and a QR code to a crypto scam.”
Financial analysts say the Stripper Index is one of the first indicators of a downturn. When guys stop tipping, it’s not because they found Jesus—it’s because their rent just went up $800 and they’re pretending Top Ramen is a lifestyle choice.
Bohiney News – A wide-format satirical cartoon titled ‘The Red-Light Recount’. The scene shows a chaotic ballot counting center lit with red neon lights. On one side… – bohiney.com
Beer, Brothels, and Budgeting: The Trifecta of Recession
According to assistant professor Jack Buffington, beer sales—specifically craft beer—are down, signaling a discretionary spending crash. This pairs nicely with the decline in brothel revenue and lipstick sales, which experts now call the “Triple B Recession.” (That also happens to be the bra size of the median OnlyFans creator, according to absolutely no reliable data.)
A recession is coming, say economists, and it’s wearing sweatpants, declining your card, and asking if “venmo works?”
Lipstick Index: Recession is Written on Our Faces
The Lipstick Index, a tongue-in-cheek measure that cheap luxuries rise in sales during downturns, has gone completely matte. Sales are so low that Sephora employees are now moonlighting as Lyft drivers and offering contouring tutorials in the back seat.
Statistically, lipstick is down. Coincidentally, so are stripper pole tips, bar tabs, and Trump’s polling numbers among women who know how to spell “exploitation.”
The Brothel Bailout: A Stimulus They Can Get Behind
In a bold new initiative dubbed “Trickle Down, Then Tip Up,” Nevada brothels have begged Congress for an emergency relief package. The proposal includes:
Hazard pay for workers forced to explain to crypto bros that no, you can’t pay in Dogecoin
Tax deductions for emotional labor, including pretending to like libertarians
A “Freedom G-String” made entirely of American flags and shredded GOP talking points
Senator Josh Hawley quickly condemned the proposal, saying, “Sex work isn’t real work. Unlike being a Senator, which involves long hours of tweeting, misinterpreting the Constitution, and pretending not to know what OnlyFans is.”
Trump’s DEI: “Dancers Excluded Intentionally”
Despite Trump’s insistence that he “loves women, especially the hard-working ones who sweat professionally,” many dancers say they feel betrayed by his economic policies.
Tiffany Twerkerson of Reno says, “He used to brag about knowing models. Now he’s ghosting an entire industry of women who technically are self-employed small-business owners. We were his base! His literal base!”
Poll Dancers & Poll Numbers: Both Are Down
A March 2025 Gallup poll found Trump’s approval rating among independent sex workers has dropped from 42% in 2020 to just 7%, lower than his approval rating among vegan beekeepers and twice-divorced clergymen.
When asked for comment, Trump responded: “I’ve done more for hookers than any president. People say that. The best people say that. They were all over me in the 90s. Tremendous people.”
The Madam’s Rebuttal: “He’s Not a Client. He’s a Liability.”
De Noire recalls a time when American businessmen made regular pilgrimages to her brothel with expense accounts and emotionally repressed investment portfolios.
“Now?” she said. “They show up, cry about inflation, and Venmo $30 for ‘talking.’ I didn’t sign up for therapy. I signed up for roleplay and role pay.”
She’s even considering pivoting to therapy full-time, citing, “It pays more and no one asks for costumes.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Trump losing the sex worker vote is like McDonald’s losing cows. It’s not the end, but it’s definitely a logistical nightmare.” — Ron White
“I asked a sex worker how business was going. She said, ‘Let’s just say my clients are giving IOUs and asking if I take food stamps.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Trump’s idea of helping women was handing out beauty pageant sashes like they were COVID tests. Now those women are voting with their heels.” — Sarah Silverman
“When the strip clubs are empty, and the brothels are quiet, that’s when America’s really in trouble. That’s when men start trying to date again. And no one wants that.” — Chris Rock
Bohiney News – A wide-format satirical cartoon in the style of a classic fold-in magazine illustration. The setting is a glitzy, half-empty ‘Economy Club’ venue, whe… – bohiney.com
Helpful Content: How to Tell if You’re About to Lose the Sex Worker Vote
1. They Start Quoting Keynesian Economics Mid-Lap Dance If your local escort uses the phrase “consumer demand shock,” you might be in trouble.
2. They Switch to Selling Foot Pics in Yen Diversifying your currency portfolio is a sign the dollar—and your support—is shrinking.
3. Their Tips Are Mostly Coupons When you’re tipping in expired Domino’s gift cards, it’s not just bad taste—it’s bad policy.
4. Their OnlyFans Page Starts Featuring Recipes They’re not just cooking up content—they’re preparing for food insecurity.
5. The “Client List” Includes Your Opponent If Biden’s campaign starts appearing in SugarBaby DMs, you’ve lost the room.
Red Light, Red Flag: A Nation in Economic Flaccidity
As America’s oldest profession faces a cold spell, Trump’s campaign may find itself lacking its usual enthusiasm from the high heels and halter top crowd. Without the votes of strippers, escorts, dominatrixes, and foot pic entrepreneurs, Trump’s base is missing its foundation—literally.
Political analyst Crystal C. Chiffon, a retired dancer turned PAC director, says, “The sex worker vote used to be quiet but loyal. Now it’s loud, organized, and surprisingly into macroeconomics.”
She continued: “If Trump wants us back, he’s going to have to do more than slap our butts with Bibles. He needs to bring back foot traffic, web platforms, and high-rolling clients. In short: stimulus, not stigma.”
Final Thoughts: The Economics of Touch
In a nation divided by class, race, gender, and whether it’s okay to eat pizza with ranch, sex workers have remained the great unifiers. Their services transcend politics, economics, and shame.
And now? Even they’re struggling.
If a stripper can’t afford her stage shoes, and an escort is asking if it’s okay to carpool, that’s not just a recession—it’s a full-blown market collapse. And if Trump can’t win back the sex worker vote, he may be the first Republican in history to lose the support of people who get paid to pretend they like you.
Disclaimer
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI models were harmed in the making of this recession-proof erotico-political commentary.
Bohiney News – A wide-format satirical cartoon titled ‘Polling the Velvet Vote’. The scene is set inside a lavish, over-the-top economic summit venue. At center stag… – bohiney.com
15 Observations on Trump’s Potential Loss of the Sex Worker Vote
The “Brothel Index” Takes a Hit: Economists have long relied on the “Brothel Index” as a cheeky indicator of economic health. With business down in legal brothels, it seems even the world’s oldest profession is giving Trump the cold shoulder. HuffPost
Strippers’ Tips Are Down, and So Is Trump’s Support: Strippers report that customers are tipping less, mirroring the decline in Trump’s approval ratings among women. When the cash stops flowing, so does the love.
SESTA/FOSTA Fallout: The passage of SESTA/FOSTA, aimed at curbing online sex trafficking, inadvertently made life harder for consensual sex workers. Many blame Trump for signing it into law, leading to a potential mass exodus from his fan base. HuffPost+1HuffPost+1
The “Lipstick Index” Smudged: Traditionally, lipstick sales rise during economic downturns as affordable luxuries. However, with sex workers facing financial strain, even this index is losing its gloss. HuffPost
Tariffs and Tiffs: Trump’s “Liberation Day” tariffs have led to economic uncertainty, causing clients to tighten their wallets. When imports are taxed, exports of affection also decline. HuffPost+1HuffPost+1
Sex Workers as Economic Barometers: Historically, sex workers have been the canaries in the coal mine for economic downturns. If they’re struggling, it’s a sign the economy isn’t exactly climaxing. HuffPost
From Red Light to Red Ink: The downturn in the sex industry suggests that Trump’s economic policies might be more impotent than potent.
The Oldest Profession vs. The Oldest President: Sex workers have weathered centuries of change, but Trump’s policies might be the first to truly turn them off.
When the Economy Screws Sex Workers: It’s a bad sign when those in the business of pleasure are experiencing nothing but pain, potentially reflecting on Trump’s economic leadership.
The “Escort Indicator” Signals Trouble: High-end escorts report fewer bookings, suggesting that even the wealthy are feeling the pinch. When the 1% stop spending on companionship, it’s a red flag for the economy.
From Champagne to House Wine: Clients downgrading their preferences mirrors a broader economic trend of cutting back, possibly influenced by current administration policies.
Negotiating Rates Like Trade Deals: Clients haggling over prices is reminiscent of Trump’s approach to international agreements—everyone wants a better deal, but satisfaction is elusive.
The “Madam’s Measure”: Brothel owners note decreased patronage, indicating that discretionary spending is down. When pleasure becomes a luxury, the economy is in trouble.
Sex Workers and Stock Markets: Both are experiencing volatility, but only one can blame their performance issues on the president.
The “G-String Index” Falls: As tips dwindle, so does the fabric of economic stability, leaving both dancers and economists exposed.
Bohiney News – A wide-format satirical cartoon titled ‘The Velvet Briefing’. The scene is an extravagant press conference in a glitzy ballroom. A panel of sharply dr… – bohiney.com
Trump & the Sex Worker Vote
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Trump Could Lose the Sex Worker Vote Trump Could Lose the Sex Worker Vote Trump Could Lose the Sex Worker Vote Trump Could Lose the Sex Worker Vote
Fake an Allergic Reaction
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1. The Press Room Is Now BYO-Lube
2. Stimulus Funds Were Re-Routed to Build a Martini Fountain in the Situation Room
3. The White House Now Offers Gender-Neutral Orgies, But Still No Paid Sick Leave
4. The National Anthem Has Been Replaced by a Slow, Sultry Saxophone Version
5. The Approval Chart Featured at the Briefing Was Drawn in Lip Liner on a Human Back
6. Trump’s Cue Cards Were Written in Eyeliner and Smelled of Axe Body Spray
7. The “Tip Line” Question Was Not About Policy, But a Pole-Dancing Budget Item
8. Nancy Pelosi Once Mistook the Velvet Lobby for a Bake Sale
9. The Lincoln Bedroom Has Been Converted Into a Multi-Cam OnlyFans Studio
10. Every Press Badge Now Doubles as a Safe Word
11. The Drag Queen Press Secretary Has a Policy: No Questions Unless You’re in Heels
12. A Secret Room Behind the Rose Garden Contains Karl Rove’s Original Leather Harness
13. The White House Library Is Now Alphabetized by Safe Word
14. Jared Kushner Was Found Crying in a Closet, Whispering “I Miss Policy”
15. The Scandal No One Will Investigate: Shower Curtains Made of Non-Disclosure Agreements
