“What’s the point?” 15 Jun 2024, 11:18 pm

Step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

What is your “spirit?”

That’s either a great question or a mindless question. In either case, it’s not an easy question. This is individual for each person. But anyone getting to this point will be fairly certain what their spirit is.

What is its function?

What I find most confusing about this Step is how the narrowness of its original intention has become so broad in its interpretation. The step is a report card. It states that the expected actions will result in a transfiguration.

This Step lets the individual know that the “result” of taking all these Steps is a spiritual awakening. Whether you wanted one or not. Whether you believed that such a thing is possible or not. Whether you have an issue with that “God stuff” or not.

In Appendices II of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says:

He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone.

If this wasn’t your experience, check your pockets. If you’re wearing the same pants you wore when you started this process, you may not have been as thorough as needed. You might want to consider getting a sponsor for the next round.

How do you carry this message?

We need to ask, What is the message? There are a lot of definitions of what “ carrying the message” is. But often, the message is blurred by the well-meaning messenger. This message of the steps is simple. If you work these steps you will have a spiritual awakening. No more, no less.

If that has happened, then your lifelong assignment is to tell other people this and to stop hurting everyone who comes into contact with you. Not telling others this simple truth is doing them a disservice.

This message isn’t about a happier life or a release from everything holding you down. It is the stories that are told in meetings of how it was, what happened, and what it’s like now. That’s the process we need so that we have the chance to identify with one another.

In “How it works” it lays it out perfectly before even saying what the steps are. “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.”

That’s the message, pure and simple, like the steps. I won’t guarantee this change will make your life better, but it will make your life different. If that difference is better then so be it.

Is it worth it?

I haven’t done one thing in this program since 1986 that hasn’t been worth it. Maybe I didn’t see it right away. Sometimes I didn’t see it for years. When I try to place who I am today against who I would have been if I hadn’t done this is tough. That doesn’t mean I regret it.

I’m frustrated that this is my journey and the sharing of it today is merely a story. Like I’ve already said, I can share what it was like, what happened and, what it’s like now. I can’t really share what it could have been like if nothing had happened.

What I mostly have to share is the gratitude I have for the life I do have today. I’m certain that other life would have been wasted and if lucky short. The most precious things I have today wouldn’t have been possible. I wouldn’t have known this different life.

How do you explain this to others who haven’t experienced it themselves. One often seeks the perfect words to help others see what this different life could be like to them. Few have the capacity to hear it because few have the capacity to tell it in a way that is transformative. Every once in a while, you will hear of someone who decided to take the leap because of a story they heard. This is why we must continue to tell our stories.

What do you get out of it?

Understand, this isn’t an incentive driven program. You get sober and I get a toaster. All anyone gets is another day sober. Another chance to add to the stream of life. I always reflect on how lucky I am to be one of those who made that decision to turn it over. I don’t often reflect anymore on “what’s in it for me?”

I never tire of the story of Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, complaining to his wife, Lois, that he had been working with all these drunks for nine months and not one of them stayed sober.

“You did,” said Lois quietly.

Our program of recovery really started there. It is still essentially one drunk talking to another.

Do you revisit any steps?

Every day. The steps are designed to be revisited again and again. They are profound and change their meaning with each revisit. Our ongoing life experience in recovery changes the way we see and experience life. For those who remain on this path, this is that profound alteration in our reaction to life referenced earlier.

For many who have remained engaged and diligent in their recovery, the steps are less something they do as something they become. But just as easily, those who fall back on their daily practice are as likely to need to refocus their attention on the steps from one to nine.

I know this happens. It happened to me. No matter how strong you think your program of recovery is, it’s the maintenance of the little, daily things that are most important. It’s practicing these principles where your feet are.

Do you still attend meetings?

I do. I’m not afraid to admit that it’s not as often as I should or like. I have a friend who says, “I go to meetings to find out what happens to people who don’t go to meetings.”

I go to meetings because I tend to drift. What I mean by that is my character defects aren’t completely gone. They’re not even in retirement. They are merely cooling their heels off to the side and jump into action whenever I least expect it. Because of this, I go to meetings to get “pushed back in.” I need the centering that comes from meetings. I’m not there to hear new things. I’m there to be reminded of the old things.

More than anything, if I’m feeling out of sorts – restless, irritable, and discontented – I know a meeting will help address that better than anything I know. Spending one hour surrounded by positive energy — experience, strength and hope — is just enough to make everything that comes after that okay.

Thank You!

This is the last installment of the questions about the steps as presented to me by the team developing Discovering the 12 Steps by Hazelden Publishing. I am moving on to conduct a book study of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.  I hope you will join me.

Stay in Touch 10 Feb 2024, 12:26 am

Oh my goodness, it’s been months. It was last October when I posted here. I’m pretty sure that’s not sticking with my plan. Rest assured, I have an impressive array of excuses.

Mostly I have had my head in many things theatrical and have taken a hiatus from that. I will get these thoughts on the Steps rounded up and then figure out what to talk about next.

Thanks to all those who stick with me… bot or not.

Step 11:

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

This step has the most words and the simplest message… Stay in contact with your Higher Power because you’ve got a job to do, and you won’t know what that is unless you ask.

If we’ve been paying attention, we will notice we’ve stepped into a different realm. We go to meetings for different reasons now; we call others in recovery from a genuine place, and we seek the new person to help share with them the experience, strength, and hope that was shared with us not that long ago. The most important thing we’ve discovered is that we are no longer doing anything alone.

What is prayer and/or meditation for you?

Early in the program you might have heard that prayer was talking and meditation was listening. That could certainly be considered the Cliff Notes version of what is meant in this Step. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still struggle with the first part of this Step. It goes straight to the heart of my perfectionism, which tells me I can’t do these things right. So naturally if I can’t do them right why do them at all.

Admittedly, I pray today when I’m stressed out. This doesn’t work as well as making a daily practice of prayer. I always feel better after I pray. Better yet after I pray on my knees. So why don’t I do it? There’s the mystery of my small universe. Struggling with the “Daily Practice.”

Those who know me well, or must endure meetings with me have heard me preach the gospel of the Daily Practice. I know it saved me in my early recovery. Like a man saved from drowning touts the attributes of a life jacket, I tell anyone who’ll listen about the morning and the evening prayer.

My first sponsor, who I thought knew everything, gave me a few simple instructions. Ask Him for help in the morning and then thank Him at night. Pretty simple instructions. Something a newcomer couldn’t over think. That simple Daily Practice along with some other things allowed me to make it through that day without drinking. I remained diligent to that practice for over 10 years. Then I slowly stopped.

I stumbled through four more years until I was fired from my job, found myself in grave financial difficulties and was going to about one meeting a month. If you’ve been there, you know what that looks like. I didn’t take a drink, but every other defect of character had rejoined the party that was me without a Daily Practice and therefore without a program of recovery.

I was luckier than many I have known. I was able to get back to it with a fervor I hadn’t known before. Today, the Daily Practice is in place and it keeps me from going the wrong direction. The practice itself looks a little different. It’s often prayer and meditation, but sometimes it’s not. I’m a writer, so writing everyday is important. Writing this blog is like a daily practice. The truth is I’m human and sometimes I forget to pray and sometimes I forget to write. I just celebrated 37 years of sobriety, and I no longer feel the need to beat myself up for inconsistencies in my program of recovery.

Because I no longer complicate things, I can be more pragmatic and look at things as they are. What does the Step say? It says that through praying and meditating I seek to improve my efforts at talking and listening to God. Anyway, that’s what I see.

Why only the knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out?

As I mentioned in the first paragraph one of the gifts of recovery is that I have a solemn purpose to achieve. Without constant contact with a Power greater than myself, I won’t be equipped to carry out that purpose.

The words in this Step are very specific. I am to pray for the knowledge of God’s will for me. This seemed pretty big at first. I heard people at meetings talking about knowing what God’s Will for them was. The more I listened the more complicated it became for me. I continued to listen whenever this step was discussed and felt like I was missing the important part. Suddenly, it dawned on me.

Remember the praying is talking and meditation is listening part? That’s it. What I believe today is God’s Will for me is what’s in front of me to do. Can I do it? Of course, I’ve asked for the power to carry it out. Everything this program had been trying to teach me became clear at once. It’s a day at a time. First things first. Easy does it. Let go and let God. Do the next right thing.

When I heard people say that God puts no more in your day than you can handle, this is what they are talking about. You have a job to do and you won’t know what you’re supposed to do unless you ask.

Does this mean you can’t pray for other people or yourself?

Truthfully, you can pray for whatever you want. No limits. Prayer is a very powerful thing. 

What the step says is, “praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” When we practice Step 11, that’s what we are doing. I am asking for the power to do what is in front of me. I am not asking for the power to heal others, win the lottery or take away other people’s difficulties. That kind of power I don’t have.

I am hopeful that others who suffer as I did will find their way to this program. When they show up, I have a job to do that sometimes I’m good at and some times I stink at. Regardless, I will ask for help to make sure I give it my best shot.

Wrong Isn’t a Mistake 20 Oct 2023, 10:13 pm

Step 10:

Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Do you repeat previous mistakes?

I won’t say that I don’t. If I continually made the same mistakes, that would strongly indicate my unwillingness to change. Many know the accepted definition of “insanity” as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. For me, insanity is knowing things need to change, but I don’t have to.

Examples of mistakes are typos in a term paper or making reservations for the wrong night. Behavior that continues to hurt other people isn’t a mistake. It’s wrong. A person in their addiction does nothing but hurt other people. A person in recovery has to be done with all that.

It’s not about repeating mistakes. It’s about changing everything within ourselves that puts others in the crosshairs of our behavior.

What does admitting you’re wrong look like?

Admitting a wrong is a stronger and hopefully more lasting action than apologizing for an error in judgment or a momentary slip of the tongue. This is taking on an attitude or behavior that may be present for a lifetime that now needs to change. This is about the possible damage this attitude or behavior has caused that needs to be repaired, if possible. When this is the case, saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it.

When I admit that what I have done is wrong and ask what I can do to make it right, I am ready to never commit that wrong again. This is the change we are looking for. This is the growth that only comes from this tranfiguring action.

In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, a sentence optimizes what is addressed when admitting a wrong.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

Like most things in this program, the solution is simple. But the willingness and the process are difficult. Sacrifice is required. In this case, the ego must be replaced. Since ego is just a barrier we use to keep people from knowing who we truly are, its replacement with openness actually allows our self-esteem to rise.

How does it look different when you do it to different people?

If you do it “promptly” as it suggests, there doesn’t need to be any stratification. People for whom we have little or no emotional attachment will be easier to admit wrong than those we do have feelings for, like our family. But there shouldn’t be a difference. Remember, admitting a wrong is how we get right.

When you are upset, the question should always be, “What am I going to do?” It’s not what others should do but what I should do to get un-upset. This is often when we struggle with our egos. The need to be right is just another delusional aspect of having control.

I must reveal that I often admit I’m wrong even when I’m uncertain whether I’m right or wrong. I have found that in these situations, there is little to gain in fighting to be right. For me, admitting I’m wrong and moving on is just easier and less stressful.

Do people take advantage of your openness?

I hope so.

How often do you practice this step? 

If I’m smart, I practice it daily. This one and the next two steps as well. I call Step 10 the “get un-upset step.” I know that if I’m feeling disturbed or upset, I need to figure out why. The answer isn’t in what someone did. The answer is, “Why am I upset?”

I can always find something in my core that reacts badly. It’s always some defect of character that I’m still whittling away at. Once I know what it is, I can do what I need to do to get un-upset. Meditation, reading, listening to music, taking a walk, talking to a friend, or writing a blog – like this one.

I originally posted this a couple of years ago, but I realized I had only partially answered the first question before I posted. I’m glad I got to revisit it and finish it.

Get Right With Others 29 Sep 2023, 11:08 pm

I know it’s not the end because of the life I get to lead today. Rather than “hanging it up” and finding a good place to sit, I keep throwing myself into the nearest swirl.

The play I directed closed last Sunday, and I am learning lines for a small show I’m performing in November. While that is going on, I need to find a Choreographer, Assistant Director, Stage Manager, Costume Designer, and set builder before I head into my next directing project.

The icing on all of this is I occasionally get to write here as well as work on the novel I started while getting my MFA. I’m close to the end, but everything isn’t alright.

Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

How big was your list?

My list was made approximately three years after doing my first 4th and 5th Steps. It was years later before I learned that this list was written when I did my 4th Step. Because that’s not the way I did it, I still have difficulty seeing how that’s my list. I made the list from “scratch” and made plans to make direct amends. I utilized my sponsor heavily for a large portion of this step. The list was not big, but I was very clear about what I needed to do and with whom.

The other thing I did was have a sponsor who was assiduous in pointing out when I wasn’t thinking clearly. This sponsor also gave me some of the best direction I’ve had since I’ve been in this program.

As I started to make this list, he said, “If you are not intending to change the behavior that led to the need for this amend, don’t bother to put it down.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant at first. It had the feel of a Zen riddle. In pondering the meaning, I asked him to repeat it.

More emphatically – as in, listen stupid! “If you have no intention of changing or are, in fact, unaware of the behavior that caused you to need to make this amend, then don’t put it down on the list.”

Of course, I kept hearing, “…don’t put it down on the list.” This felt like some kind of loophole. It wasn’t. It was a wake-up call for the way I had been treating the Steps specifically and the program in general. I had worked the steps up to this point, but that had been as cathartic as a to-do list. Once again, I was making a list of things “to do.”

What my sponsor was trying to get through my head was that our actions have consequences, some long after the event. Some behavior of mine, some errant attitude, some defect of character reached out and hurt another person. The only way to resolve this was easy. Change everything about myself.

I had to realize that this process was to help me recognize and stop this behavior… forever. If I wasn’t ready to do that, then why make amends? You see, the stakes were much higher than going around saying, “I’m sorry,” and having the world say, “That’s okay.” I had to be ready to stop the behavior and never do it again.

How precise did you get with the term “harmed?”

Well, I harmed others in a variety of ways. Mostly, I harmed people by my self-centered, fearful, alcoholic behavior. I stole money, but I also stole emotions and well-intentioned assistance from those who tried to care about me. I was untrustworthy, lying when it was easier to tell the truth, and I did damage to my own reputation as well as the reputation of those I represented.

I had no meaningful relationships because I had no idea how to do that. I didn’t understand the meaning of fidelity, intimacy, or selflessness, all of which were required for successful relationships. I was asked by the man who did my first Fifth Step to describe what I thought a friend was. After I gave him my description, he asked me, “Have you ever been that to someone?” The answer was “No.”

Did you have to make amends for harming yourself?

Absolutely not. This process isn’t about “poor little me.” This is a chance to finally get right with the world. Under the cover of my defects of character, I went out and willfully harmed other people with my behavior. My very presence, with its self-centered, childish attitude, created difficulties for others.

Nowhere in this process is there a place to stop and reflect on how my behavior harmed me. It’s my overwhelming self-centeredness that created most of the chaos. It would be the absolute cherry on the absurdity cake for me to take time out to think about how my behavior hurt me. That it clearly did is beside the point. This step is fully about others and not about me.

What advice would you give yourself now when starting this step? 

Be prepared, and don’t do it alone. Putting together this list can be daunting but I can’t imagine what it would be like without the watchful eyes of another sober person.

Put down everybody and everything. If you are becoming entirely ready to make amends to them all, make sure they are all on the list. There isn’t anyone or anything too small or insignificant. There isn’t anyone or anything you can fill in later if there is time.

This is where the idea of thoroughness really takes root. Be as thorough as possible the first time around, or eight years later, you’ll be back at this same place, only your ass will have fallen off, and you’ll need two sets of suspenders to keep your pants up.

Step 9:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Who did you make amends with and what did you do?

I got sober in Chicago and then, shortly after that, moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t start to work on this step until I was nearly three years sober. My sponsor helped me. In order to start this step, I had to return home. I hadn’t lived there that long in the scheme of things, but that was the hub of most of my damage to other people.

I made travel arrangements back to Chicago and made appointments with all those I could reach. Most of the people were those with whom I worked. There were also roommates and acquaintances from my theater work. All this is why I fervently suggest a person not try doing this step by themselves. There’s just too much that can go wrong.

I should note that not everyone I contacted was willing to see me. Even after three years, several of my former work associates had written me off and weren’t interested in having anything more to do with me. Needless to say, this was disappointing on one hand but a relief on the other. That is until my sponsor told me to keep reaching out to them. That worked, and after a little persistence, they all agreed to see me.

Importantly, I had the opportunity to make direct amends to those I had harmed. Only one of the people I met on that trip was less than gracious. But as my sponsor repeated to me often about many things, “You take the steps, the outcome is out of your hands.”

What’s the difference between being willing to make amends on paper and looking into the face of the person you harmed?

The real purpose of the amend is to let the other person know what wrong or harm you committed and ask them what you can do to make that right. This is a bit more than saying you’re sorry and more than a little disconcerting to think about. I don’t know how this can be done any other way but face-to-face.

As I had never done anything like this before other than a weak “sorry” to someone, I was most concerned about asking what I could do to make it right. Like everything else in this step, my projection of it was bigger and more awful than the truth. With only one exception, everyone was receptive and glad to see I was doing well. They were, in fact, happy to see me. That hadn’t been the way it was when I left.

From there, I was eager to continue making these direct amends wherever possible. It got easier and easier to do, but harder and harder to do directly. This step is never really completely finished. The longer I stay sober, the truer this becomes.

How is making amends more than words?

Every September, Step Studies discuss Step Nine. For years, when revisiting this step, I would recall someone from my past who I had left off my list. Someone who deserved an amend from me.

There was only a couple I couldn’t find and reach out to. The social media age started to make finding people a lot easier. I was always amazed at how happy people were to hear from me. The would remember me fondly as opposed to darkly and they were always willing to listen to me and the reason for my call.

This may be the most profound aspect of Step Nine. It goes on for years because our recovery – if we want it – goes on for years. We will never know how what we say or do may impact other people. This is why we must be ever diligent in our words and deeds. Going back and correcting what was wrong is the right thing to do and may have great impact on what others may do going forward. It’s powerful stuff.

I Feel the Spirit 18 Sep 2023, 4:46 am

Step 6:

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

What does “entirely ready” feel like?

It feels a lot like letting go once a person has “admitted” the “exact nature” of their “wrongs,” they will have a list of character defects. This isn’t generally a long list, but it is quite inclusive. I’ve heard people trying to make themselves special and unique with an abundance of “specialized” character defects. “I have the defect of criticizing other people.” “That’s because you’re afraid of other people and are criticizing them before they criticize you. Your defect is fear.” “My defect is that I help everybody but myself.” “You want everybody’s attention and approval, and you’re afraid you won’t get it if you don’t help. Your defects are self-centeredness and fear.” And so it goes.

Is Step 6 a waiting game or a tease?

Truthfully, there shouldn’t be much waiting involved. Six is really an opportunity to see if we got it all. Were we thorough enough with our Fourth and Fifth Steps? Did we cover all aspects suggested? Just before this step in the Big Book is where the “first set of promises” are articulated. It starts out: “We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.” (pg. 75) You’ll notice it doesn’t say anything about the nice things we did. We are going to be dealing exclusively with our defects of character. We need to know that we are “entirely” ready and that we are going to remove “all” the defects. I can tell you that generally, people are either all in or, eventually, they are out.

Why is Step 6 important – why aren’t Steps 6 & 7 combined?

It’s important because if we have done 4 and 5 thoroughly, we have fully revealed those things that drive us. They inform everything we think and everything we do. I need to figure out what they are and what I can replace them with — their alternative. This process can take some time because I don’t want to rush into anything. Step Six is designed to give us time to consider the importance of making this commitment. We must be “entirely” willing to have “all” our defects removed before we move on to the next step.

 Is this an excuse to disown your defects?

Well, good luck with that. Our defects are our defects. Even though the next step suggests that we can get rid of these, they don’t fully go away. They stay out of sight until I decide I don’t need to continue

Step 7:

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Does God remove all the defects in step 7?

We “humbly” ask God to remove our shortcoming or defects of character. Whether He removes them or not I can’t say. I know that mine haven’t been removed. I don’t go to a meeting for a week and some semblance of my character defects come ambling back into my life and I will act out on those defects in all my daily affairs.

How do you feel about the ones that remain?

I’ve either got to recognize them and keep them from “poking” other people, which is what my defects generally do, or figure out what to replace them with. I think ongoing recovery is about opposites and subtraction. I subtract the things in my life that block me from God and others and then whatever is left is mine to manage. My defects are at my core, what the Big Book calls “the root of our troubles.” Well, I can’t very well pull out something that’s root without doing some serious damage, so the only alternative is to do the opposite. Where I am fearful, I can be courageous. Where I am dishonest I can become trustworthy. Where I am selfish, I can become selfless. It is only in this way that my defects of character are removed from my daily life. I don’t believe they are ever removed from my core.

Did you have familiar behaviors that you didn’t know how to live without?

Still do. That’s why I continue to go to meetings, participate in the fellowship and do the steps.

Question for viewer:

The Boogeyman Steps 9 Sep 2023, 11:34 pm

My car blew up this week (replace-the-engine blew up). And I’m on the final countdown to opening a show in my local community theater. I’m a little late with this as a result, but a few extra hours are worth it.

I’ve combined two steps because of their closeness in content and spirit.

Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

What is a moral inventory?

Moral, in this case, means “truth.” A common misinterpretation of this Step is in the word moral. I won’t suggest that people misinterpret the word, but over time, they have misinterpreted the meaning.

Old-timers will tell you that everything you need to do this step is in the book. I can tell you from personal experience that this is only true after you do the Step. Before that, not so much.

The “inventory” is, as described in Alcoholics Anonymous, an attempt to identify a person’s assets and liabilities. The next purpose is to determine what to keep and what to discard. The third, although unwritten, is to discover those things about yourself that you are going to talk about in your Fifth Step – the defects of character.

How this is accomplished has a wide range of explanations and details. There are probably more resources available for the completion of this step than with the other eleven steps combined. However, the instructions and ponderous guides on “how to do the step” are not the step. It should also be noted that years of Fourth Step preparation have led to the writing of many “immoral” inventories. This is the list of all the dirty, rotten things they have done and should feel sorry about.

The simple objective of the Fourth Step is to finally take an action that will allow you to discover those things about yourself that are blocking you from God and other people. The step following this one covers what you will do with those things you’ve discovered.

Doesn’t this just help you beat yourself up?

Beating myself up is a choice. I don’t think any of the steps either condone or reject that notion. If looking closely at all the things I have thought, done, or believed and making the decision that some of these things are wrong and need to change is “beating myself up,” then so be it.

Over the years I have watched the interaction of people in recovery ranging from sternly confronting to cluelessly warm and fuzzy. I believe all approaches work if they are based in a sincere desire to help. I also believe the 12-Steps aren’t for everyone. They are, however, for anyone who wants them and are willing to go to any lengths to get them.

That includes beating yourself up if that’s how you want transfigurative self-discovery to be described. This process will change you and there will be scars.

Step 5:

Step 5:

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

How did you choose the person to admit wrongs to?

This does seem to pose a quandary sometimes because the completion of the 4th and 5th step have become somewhat systematized through treatment and published “self-help” manuals. The important thing about the 5th step is to share it with someone who won’t misunderstand. Some say that it should be done with a person’s sponsor. Others use the idea in the Big Book of a priest or other ordained figure. (The word “sponsor” was not widely used or have the same definition as is does today when the book was published). This is rarely as daunting as it may appear. A person who has made the effort to complete the 4th step is usually quite eager to complete a 5th step as well. The bottom line is there are plenty of people available to “hear” a fifth step and it just comes down to who you might be comfortable sharing your “life story.”

Can you describe admitting the exact nature of your wrongs to them?

First you have to be clear about the definition of “wrongs.” These are really the defects of character that a person has been able to disclose (uncover) while writing the 4th step. The end result of working this step must be a final accounting of those things that are blocking us from God and from others. It’s important to note that we are to admit these in a three-way conversation – we hear them, another person hears them and God hears them. This process is pretty thorough in practice and in informing the person taking the step of their defects of character. This understanding becomes the foundation from which a person’s recovery can move forward. 

Did you dwell to much on steps 4 and 5? 

At the time I did my first 4th and 5th step I spent a great deal of time on them. In fact, because the book (as well as anybody I spoke to) said that it was important to be thorough or I might start drinking again. So I spent a lot of time digging up every dirty rotten thing I had ever done. I truly missed the reason for these steps.

Although this is technically the last time we get to be totally selfish and make what we are doing “all about us,” I don’t adhere to the belief that we need to make a list of our “good things.” To me, this is just another form of self-aggrandizement. This is a way for me to soften the blow. Frankly, I’ve yet to meet anyone who was “warm-fuzzied” into recovery. I think this whole process is a long, hard look at what I am doing – just me – to keep God and others away. Focusing on my “positives” at this point is just a distraction like all the kids who play soccer get a medal. I have serious work ahead of me and will need all the attention I can muster.

Did you not take them seriously enough?

I did. Others may not. I overcompensated, but then doing things to excess has never been a problem. I do that all the time.

Question for viewer:

Change Your Mind 3 Sep 2023, 9:30 pm

I think Step 3 remains one of the most confusing steps. Maybe that’s just the standard response to things we don’t like, “I don’t understand.” I do know that I struggled with this step the most, especially after I’d stumbled through the steps after this one.

Step 3:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Where did you find your higher power?

Right where is was supposed to be. Like many of the things I’ve struggled finding in life, this was hiding in plain sight.

I had a perfunctory relationship with God as I was growing up. When I reached this point in my life, I didn’t even know what I was trying to understand. During my early days, listening to others struggling with this concept, I determined to find a different way.

I discovered in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous (the book Ken D. refers to as the ‘open secret’) a chapter called “We Agnostics.” I also noticed it was Chapter Four. My keen alcoholic mind got to work on the idea that the meetings always started with a reading from Chapter Five.  It seemed like there was something in Chapter Four they didn’t want us to know about.

Suddenly, the reason became obvious. “We Agnostics” was the chapter that explained how smart people could get sober without God. That became my chapter. I read it over and over but I kept missing the part where smart people get sober without God. Finally, I was so frustrated I decided to talk to my sponsor. I explained my understanding of Chapter Four, but couldn’t seem to find exactly where the instructions were.

My sponsor took my book, popped it open to the very chapter I was discussing and with his rather large index finger pointed to something in the book.

“Read that… out loud,” he said.

I took the book and proceeded to read the following… out loud.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg, 44

There is was. Hiding all this time at the bottom of the first paragraph of Chapter Four. I had been seduced by the chapter title. This was unfair.

I blurted out, “But I can’t do that.”

“Well, then you’re screwed,” said my sponsor calmly. I knew he meant it.

“What do I do?” I asked.

“Change your mind,” was his simple response.

Anecdotally, more people are stopped by this step than the other eleven combined. I won’t speculate on why that might be true. I can only share why I’ve continued to stub my toe on this step. More importantly, why this step keeps coming up in my recovery.

Problem One: Is this an action or is it just information?

The Big Book is vague about this. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is more clear calling this step an action. In fact, it says:

Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God — or, if you like, a Higher Power — into our lives.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg. 34

Either way, this step seems to stymie the new person and as a result, the person who can’t seem to get past this step. One thing that may be consistent with the person who struggles with this step is that they have delayed getting a sponsor with the mistaken belief they can work these steps themselves like a fad-diet or weight-training program. Or they have a sponsor, but have avoided working with that sponsor to move forward with the process of change that is required.

Problem Two: Once I take Step Three can I move on?

Not exactly, as it turns out. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a prayer.

God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!

Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 63

Unlike most prayers, this one ends with an exclamation point and not “Amen.” There isn’t an Amen until after the Seventh Step prayer on page 76. It’s certainly something to ponder. It turns out that the implications of Step Three are greater and more ongoing than I would have imagined.

Regardless of what else happens or how long it takes the individual to decide to move forward with these steps, the importance of Step Three is articulated well in the 12 and 12 thusly:

Then it is explained that other Steps of the A.A. program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg. 40

On the following page, the Serenity Prayer is introduced as one of the ways to “begin the practice of Step Three.”

How can you turn your life over if you’ve been hurt by faith or others?

This could be categorized as “Problem Three.” This always seems like the kind of negotiation that goes on in early recovery. There used to be an old joke about people who were put off by the “God thing” in AA. God would drive them away but the whiskey would bring them back.

In 12-Step recovery this is the solution we have. This is the solution we offer and as the book continues to say,  if you are an alcoholic of “our type” then this is a program we recommend. To be quibbling over the idea of “God” or a former lousy relationship with religion is serious business but for the alcoholic and/or addict looking for a way around it is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic. You eventually need to come to a reasonable understanding of a higher power. There are no parts of the 12-Steps that contain an optional component.

No Big Deals 27 Aug 2023, 9:35 pm

Step Two provided me the longest duration of befuddlement. I know now I was thinking way too hard and way too deep to see the more obvious meaning. In the end, it was “no big deal.”

Step 2:

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Did this belief come easy to you?

I don’t think so and not for a lack of trying. I think I remained baffled for a long time about this step. Today, I know it’s mostly about displaying some willingness to believe in something that might relieve me of the feeling that I need to control things. I, and many others, struggle mightily with the idea that control is really an illusion.

Bluntly, when I believe I’m in control, nothing else can happen. It’s really that simple. There’s no movement, no growth, and no maturing. It’s like the old Buster Keaton movies where he walks into the wind. The powerful gale keeps him upright, but he’s not going anywhere. On top of that it’s exhausting.

Being active in our addictions is exhausting. The energy we expend to maintain addiction is remarkable. If we could put half that energy into anything else, we’d really accomplish something. Instead, we work everyday thinking about using or drinking, using and drinking, recovering from using and drinking and then thinking about using and drinking. What part of that is sane?

We never think of that while we’re in the midst of it. The addiction is the power and we supply the energy. But we’re like the ant on a log floating in the river. When the log goes around a bend in the river, the ant thinks it’s steering.

What is the power greater than yourself?

In truth, everything is a power greater than me if I’m willing to see it that way. What is often recommended is that a person use the group or other large force to represent a power larger and therefore, greater than you.  To start worrying about having the correct higher power at this point is pretty pointless. This is all about being open to the idea, not about selecting a “higher power.”

This step is a “realizing” step. Some get it right away. Some, like myself, have to work through all the pre-existing archetypes and beliefs. What George Carlin referred to as “the invisible man in the sky.” This is the stumbling block of “Higher Power.”

Some how the idea of a Power greater than myself becomes easier to understand. When placed into a context of – you have no power – you begin to realize that reasonable access to Power is an option. It’s like the oversight of a benevolent senior partner. You can’t do everything so why try? Talk to your partner.

What does letting go feel like?

“Letting go” isn’t concretely a part of this step, but conceptionally it is, so I will continue and answer the question. The idea of “letting go” is fundamental to how all the Steps work.

Letting go actually becomes a part of the recovering person’s life, but not right away. I think for me the reality of letting go of the need to control was a long and arduous process and I didn’t relinquish it happily. This is probably pretty common for those of us who really believed we had some control over things.

Here is the truth that must be discovered even if it is over time. Control and spirituality cannot occupy the same space. You cannot speak of having a fit spiritual condition when you are still trying to control things… Anything. Letting go is the leap of faith that tells us to not put ourselves in the way of how things happen.

In my life, when I let go I get what I’m suppose to get. I will go into more detail about that in the later steps, but suffice it to say those early in recovery want to manage outcomes and share their “better idea” with others. This is where the term “keep coming back” was formed.

My response to most impulses today is things work out fine until I help.

 Did you find sanity?

Sanity isn’t all the crazy things I did when I was drinking, although my personality in those times might have been diagnosable as “crazy.” Insanity was the inability to recognize how my world really was when viewed by a sane person. I think finally recognizing just a bit of that is the turning point for many who finally become willing to do things they don’t believe in.

This comes with the willingness to let go of trying to manage all those things that aren’t mine to manage. I like to say that 90% of what goes on during the day is none of my business and the 10% that’s left is mine to manage.

If my life is unmanageable it makes sense that I should do whatever I can to identify all those things I think I need to manage and let them go. If I do what’s in front of me – the next right thing – I can stay comfortably within my 10%. Whenever I try to manage beyond that, I start to move into the 11, 12 or 13% area. My life immediately gets more unmanageable and insane.

There are two definitions of insanity. One is the most common and agreed upon definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And then there’s the definition of “Things need to change, but I don’t have to.”

Next time, we’ll be questioned about those aspects of Step 3 that make it one of the most confusing and most influential step of all three.

Again, thanks for stopping in. I appreciate the comments. Please put your comments on the sight. I won’t stop doing this no matter what you say.

Accept Every Gift 23 Aug 2023, 10:30 pm

Last week, I had a pretty good response to an article I wrote a few years ago. I thought I’d post another one here of which I’m particularly fond. I hope you enjoy it.

Recovery Matters Article – “Accept Every Gift”

There are a lot of slogans surrounding recovery. We see them at meetings, we read them in meditation books, they’re cited in blogs on recovery and I hear them endlessly from my sponsor who thinks the answer to everything is “Easy Does It” or “Let go and let God.” To the newcomer these may seem elementary, with little value. For those who have been “trudging the road” for a while they are a reminder of the simplicity of a program recovery.

Over the last few years, I’ve come across a set of “slogans” that I’ve added to my own mix. These don’t come from any recovery circle that I’m aware of, but they are as applicable to my recovery today as anything I’ve seen in quite a while. These are actually the three basic principles of improvisation.

For those unfamiliar with it, improvisation is the down and dirty embodiment of the power of now. Those who do Improv (its accepted, shortened name) must be firmly planted where their feet are. Many of our fastest and wittiest comedians have long practice with the art of Improv. The three “rules” are simple, as all effective rules are:

1. Accept every gift.
2. Say “Yes, and…”
3. Make your partner look good.

Accept Every Gift

In Improv, you reject nothing. The art and the joy of the craft live in this simple rule. You are not the initiator of what happens, you are the creator of what happens next. This is exactly the way I’d like to live my life each day. For me, God is the initiator of what happens and I am the creator of what happens next. For this to work I must accept every gift.

Even though this may seem fundamental, it’s the one I screw up the most. If I believe everything happens for a reason and I do, then everything that comes to me must be a gift. I need to be able to accept it regardless of my ability to perceive it as a gift. Even if I don’t like it or wish it could be different I must accept it as a gift.

Say “Yes, and…”

Another key element of Improv is you never say “No.” By accepting every gift you are fundamentally saying “Yes.” As the creator of what happens next, you must continue, adding to the gift. What I do with the gift once it’s handed to me is as important as accepting the gift itself. I am say “Yes, and…” What comes next is the new gift I pass along.

As with rule number one, this is exactly the way I’d like to live my life each day.  There have been plenty of times in my life where “no” could have easily been “yes, and…” It’s sad to admit that I missed out on a lot of things life offered because I said “no” rather than “yes, and…”

Make Your Partner Look Good

Improv at it’s core is selfless and co-creative. When each person in the relationship is trying to make the other person look good, the outcomes are almost limitless. The overriding principle is “We’re in this together. I want you to succeed.”

I have numerous partners in this life — my family, my friends, my co-workers and God. I can’t honestly say I’ve done a stellar job in making them look good, but I’d love to give it a try. Most of my life, despite my best efforts, I’ve been inner directed and outer centered. What Improv teaches is how to be inner centered and outer directed.

You may ask, “What does this have to do with recovery?” I like simple instructions for life. I’m not interested in being complicated or deep. Because recovery is a daily process, I need help staying in the now. These three rules can really help me do that. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

Something Always Happens 23 Aug 2023, 6:40 pm

I’ve sat down to write this blog on more than two occasions, and something always happens. This doesn’t explain almost a year hiatus, but it encompasses some of it. As in life, I like to be armed with an impressive array of excuses.

Continuing on…

A Series of Questions

A quick update about where we left off and where we are now.

During the development of modules to introduce the 12 steps to those in treatment, the content creators sent me a series of questions about my experience with the 12-Step program. What follows is a semblance of how I answered these questions. I have taken the liberty of “updating” some of my answers where appropriate.

Did/do your friends, significant other, or family “get” the 12-step program?

Unless a person is working on their own recovery in a 12-step program, it is unlikely that they will be able to fully understand or “get” the program.  It’s the “unorganized” and “disconnected” nature of the fellowship that leads to claims of cult or religion and general confusion. This same sort of confusion is what faces someone new to the program.

Adding to this confusion are the three legs of the AA stool. They are as follows: the “fellowship” which is made up of the scheduled meetings, the socialization, and what’s sometimes called “sober fun,” then there is the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous,  which contains the program of recovery or what one speaker I heard call “the open secret,” finally there are the 12 Steps themselves which are the basic guidelines used to bring about a “spiritual awakening.” 

Probably the greatest reason for others outside the program not to “get it” is they don’t need to. The hard truth is that the 12-steps are for those who want it, not necessarily those who need it. If a person isn’t in crisis (or even if he or she is), it’s unlikely that the suggestions of the program will be of interest. I would make the analogy that it is unlikely that a person would care how to inflate a life raft until they needed it. A critical element of 12-step recovery is the ability to identify.

Please describe the 12-step program to me.

This may be the hardest question in the bunch. Years ago, two men met up in Akron, Ohio. One of the men didn’t want to start drinking again, and the other man couldn’t stop. Together they started what later became Alcoholics Anonymous. The man who didn’t want to start drinking was a stock speculator from New York City. The other man was a physician from Akron. Truthfully, they couldn’t have been more different if they tried, but many today believe they were brought together by divine Providence.

When the son of the physician spoke many years later at an AA convention, he articulated their differences best.

“If Bill had had his way, he would have franchised this thing like McDonalds. If my dad had had his way, we’d still be meeting in my parent’s living room in Akron.”

Robert “Bob” Smith II

Everyone at that meeting is now gone, and what was said between the two men was never revealed. What was revealed was that for the first time, rather than talking about bright lights and spiritual experiences, Bill Wilson simply talked about his drinking and recovery with another person. The result was the other person, Dr. Bob Smith, was finally able to stop drinking. After that meeting, these two men decided to keep trying to help other men who suffered as they had.

As both men had connections with the Oxford Group, a religious movement popular in the 1930s, they found some of the guides from that program helpful. The group touted the Four Absolutes. They were absolute honesty, absolute unselfishness, absolute purity, and absolute love. They soon realized that most alcoholics were resistant to the idea of “absolute anything.” They needed a simpler approach which they found among the tenets of the Oxford Group.

The basic tenets of the Oxford Group were:

• A complete deflation
• Dependence on God
• A Moral Inventory
• Confession
• Restitution
• Continued work with others in need